SPENT

So we are spent...and here our the results of our labor! We still have lots left to do, but short of being spent out of energy..we are also spent out of cash. But I think we accomplished allot in the budget that we had.

We were able to re carpet and paint our upstairs two levels, completely renovate our kitchen, and lower bathroom, we also bought a new snow blower and vacuum dishwasher and microwave.

All we need to complete in the kitchen is the backsplash and a few finishings.

The rest of the house will just have to wait, but here are a few before and after photos.

New Beginnings

This new school year has given Ben a fresh start on his view on education. He is loving his new school, his teacher and some new friends. I am so glad that we made this move to Ingersoll. He is attending a much smaller school, Westfield Publc School. Unfortunatley it's set to close next year and the children will be bused to a school currently being renovated to house more students. I pray that Ben will cope with that change as well as he has with this one.

He actually is enjoying going to school, not making up excuses or challenging me every morning when it's time to go.

He also has made some good friends, and has nearby Quinton (bestest cousin ever!) to play with, so he actually is not sitting in frount of the TV playing video games all day! Fresh air and a little freedom, being able to ride his bike!

I would also like to think that the security of knowing I am home and not at work helps him to. Knowing if he needs me I am only 5 min away! He is also able to come home at lunch time, this gives him a much needed break before heading back for the afternoon.

Recently we also got a kitten! I was a little unsure about how Ben would treat her, but he has been ever so gentle. I have to remind all the kids actually to be gentle...she is a living breathing animal, not a stuffed toy! The called her Whiskers and I love her!

So we have seen big improvements in Ben's behavior, only brief moments of unreasonableness. He still has a tick that shows up when he is feeling stressed, but generally that has disappeared. He is commenting alot about noises bothering him..almost to the point of driving him to madness at times, it makes him mad if the noise continues even if it's as simple as his sister singing...if he wants it to stop she must stop! He still requires things to go his way or no way, and has little room for comprimise, however this to comes and goes depending on his mood.

Recently we met with Vanier phycologists to recieve the report on their assesment of Ben. They saw him over a period of 4 sessions of about 2 hours in length....during this time they have questionairs they fill out..they play games and make him draw pictures to judge his emotional state.

The assessment revealed that Ben has a very low self asteem, he feels very anxious about the future. He doesn't think he is smart, has friends. He scores mid to high on their depression chart.

They feel he has a mild form of Chronic Depression called Dysthymia, which is a depression that last at least 2 years, those that suffer from this often feel irritable, lack abitliy to consentrate, have low energy, low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness. They generally feeling blue or depressed most of the time.

I do agree that Ben suffers from a mood disorder, as he is often very down feels hopeless. He feels most of the time that the world is against him and there is no point in trying. He has extreme highs and lows sometimes within hours..at times though he can go weeks doing very well with little problems. But then we will have a very difficult few weeks or months.

I also believe that Ben has a behavioral disorder...if it's Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ADD...or a combination of both..I am not sure, but in order to have that diagnosed it means starting the process all over again with a phyciotrist..which takes more time...and possibly money....so for the time being we will continue on the road we are leading right now..and hopefully maturity will help.

My little Miss Olivia started in SK this year and she is loving it! Not a single tear, and she runs to get in line when the bell rings to start the day! She is in half day every day in the afternoon. It works well with Ben coming home for lunch, then we just all walk back for the afternoon. She has made some great new little friends and is always telling me great storys!

Isaac is home with me for one mre year, next year he can go to JK if I choose, we shall see. It will be the all day everyday program at Harris Hieghts. This also will involve a bus..not sure if I am ready to see my baby go off all day...although some quiet time with no kids is tempting.....we shall see.

Updates

So I have been waiting and waiting since last October for a refereal to a Phycologist for Benjamin. I finally recieved the initial paper work for his assessment. Our first appointment is July 15th when just the parents will meet with our Phycologist to talk about Ben and his needs. He is being accessed for his Emotional and Social development.

I am really nervous about this whole process, just simply because after the parents meet with the phycologist she then meets with Ben alone for a few times.

I fear the answers Ben may give, but at the same time may give us a better understanding of the way he views the world....

In the meantime I have given my notice for quiting my job at Bell. I have worked there for 10 years now. Although the environment is very stressful, there are aspects of the job I will miss, especially the friends I have come to know over the years. Thank goodness for Facebook!

I will be done work as of the 23rd of July. We then move the following weekand on the 31st.

So many big changes ahead, I do hope that it's not to much of an upset for Ben. He really has trouble to big changes in his life, and this although in the long run is the biggest change we could make I am hoping it will help him!

I will keep updates as to our progress with the phycologist.

Out with the New and In with the Old

So typically it's Out with the Old and In with the New...but in our case it is just he opposite! We have decided to purchase my Grandmothers home in Ingersoll! It's about 40 years old compared to our current 6 year old home. Are we crazy? Some might think so..however I think we are making the right decision for us at this stage in our life.
Our children really are the most Important thing in our lives, and by simplifying to a smaller fixer upper is affords me to be able to quit my job of 10 years!
It's a real leap of faith, as that means we will be relying completely on Jeremy's income, and any spare or part time job I may pick up, but I truly think this is what is best for our children.
We will be in a smaller town, close to family and old friends. I am really looking forward to the change in pace.
City living has changed so much in the past 10 years that we have lived here, I have always been a country girl at heart so I am really happy to leave London behind.
Of coarse we will miss all the dear friends we have come to know here in London, but Ingersoll is only a short drive away!

Perfect Pose

So the kids are officially enrolled in the East London Soccer club. I am happy we got them involved this year in sports, as Ben really needs to learn to get along with others and desperately needs exercise!


It hasn't been easy though with our work schedules getting home, getting a quick bight to eat in soccer uniforms and out the door for games that start at 6:00pm.
Also most soccer night we do not get home until 8:30 as the kids don't play in the same age group so often play at different times.
Very tiring as this is usually done twice a week if we can make it.

But it's for the kids right? LOL!

Step by Step

So I've read from cover to cover the "Explosive Child" that I spoke about in a earlier post.
It is pretty much spot on in describing Ben and his behavior. It points out something that I have been saying for a very looong time, that using Sticker Charts, Rewards and Circumstance Disipline does not achieve any desired result in these children, in fact often causes an already escalated situation worse.

So how do you teach a child right and wrong behavior?

Well it has helped me first Identify that Benjamin has what is called "Lagging Skills" skills that help him deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
I went through a list and rated Ben on a scale of 0 1 2 3 representing Never/Sometimes/Often/Always and here are the results

1) Difficulty handling transitions shifting from one mindset or task to another-3-
I rated him a three as often Ben has extreme trouble shifting gears, it takes time for him to leave behind the thoughts of the video game he is playing, the TV show he is watching, he becomes so involved in that world that to shift him out of "play" mode into sitting still immediately for dinner, or to hurray up and get ready to leave...or even to go to bed, often ends up in explosive behavior...as we are expecting him to be able to put what he is doing down immediately and "Do as he is told"
2) Difficulty doing things in logical sequence or prescribed order -1-
I rate him a one simply because he doesn't seem to be obsessed about a certain order things should occur. He does at times show that he expects exact answers when he is asking "When can I?" or "how long before we can?" no vage answer like "in a little while" or "soon" will suffice..and if you give him a time he expects you to stick to it or often he will get upset.
3)Difficulty persisting on challanging or tedious tasks -3-
Ben often gives up very easy when he isen't the best or number 1 at something. If he is finding it challanging even a little he gives up and says it is to hard or impossible. For example riding his bike, he is 7 and yet has been able to get past the frustration to learn this skill.
4)Poor sense of time -0-
Ben shows no signs of this being a problem, actually really the opposite..he is very aware of time.
5)Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously -2-
When speaking with Ben you often need to be very specific about what you need him to remember, often he "forgets"
6)Difficulty maintaining focus -2-
As long as it is one thing at a time he seems to focus well, except at the end of a school day or long day it is very difficult to keep him focussed on anything.
7) Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem -3-
With Ben is typically is his way or the highway, not usually open to options
8)Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, thoughts in words -1-
Often Ben gets very frustrated when asked how he feels, however as long as he is not in the heat of the moment you can often have a heart to heart with him.
9)Difficulty understanding what is said -0-
He understands however I can talk till I am blue sometime and if he not receptive at that moment he won't hear you.
10)Difficulty managing emotional response to frusration so as to think rationally-3-
This is a HUGE PROBLEM for him, when he is frustrated and is raging he is not rational at all
11) Chronic irratablitly and or anxiety significantly imedes capacity for problem solving or heightens frustration -3-
Ben is always irratable, it's like walking on egg shells.
12) Difficultly seeing "greys" black and white thinking -2-
Ben doesn't understand any answer that begins with Maybe, or perhaps-he wants to know the exact answer as to where, when, why..
13)difficult deviating from rules, routine -0- If anything Ben is always breaking the rules and challenging routine as much as possible.
14)Difficult handling unpredictabilty, ambiguty, uncertainty -0-
15)..shifting from original plan -2- if we tell Ben we are going to do something with him and due to circumstances we can't honor it, Ben has a very difficult time understanding and coping with a plan change.
16)Taking into account situational factors that would suggest a need to adjust a plan of action -2- same as above
17)Inflexible, inaccurate interpetations/cognitve distotions or biases (eg. everyone is out to get me, nobody likes me) -3- To Ben the world is always out to get him, thinking he has no friends or everyone at he school was picking on him, when in reality he has lots of friends and perhaps one single person made a comment that he felt was inaccurate to him he is being picked on.
18)Difficulty attending to or accurately interpretting social cues/poor perception of social nuances -2- Ben is very akward in public relations, and seems very unaware of acceptable behavior
19)Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people/lacking other basic social skills -2- Similar to above, but worse when it is in group settings, Ben tends to either withdrawl completely or becomes an irritant to everyone
20)seeking attention in appropriate ways -2- Ben always seems to seek attention in inappropriate ways, doing things in what seems to be just to get a reaction
21)Difficulty appeciating how his behavior is effecting other people -3- Ben has no concept of what this means
22)Difficulty empathizing with others appreciating another persons perspective or point of view -3- Ben does not sympathize with anyone or anything and has no abilty to see another point of view...his way or the highway
23)Difficulty appreciating how he is coming accross or being percieved by other -3-Ben does understand this concept it all about him and doesn't understand that he is not acting "normal", yet he can clearly pick out another childs imperfections.

So this scoring simply helps me understand him a little more and perhaps help me change my approach to him. Once I understand his lagging skills we can then tackle Problem solving differently.
We are a work in progress and perhaps with a little more understanding and successful drug treatments (Stattera) we all might have a happier child and home life.

Beauty School Drop Out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TOxhzAm7fY (Link to Beauty School Drop Out, from the movie Grease)

CUT IT OUUUTTTTT!

Well Ben took that literally today, deciding to cut his sister's pony tail.
Naturally of coarse him and Olivia devise a great story to go along with it to. I could barely hold it together while they spun a tale so big that even Pinocciho would have been proud.
I will update tomorrow with a picture of her new haircut that had to occur as a result..an emergency visit to First Choice, as it was the CO visit only hours before we had to leave.
But here is the story..I gotta hand it to them although a complete fabrication it was well scripted and acted out!

Ben: (coming running up from the basement stairs, all winded and out of breath) MOM, MOM, YOU HAVE TO CHECK LIV'S HAIR FOR LICE...but first check mine cause I haven't had it in a while..."

Me: Does someone in your class have Lice Ben? Why are you so worried?

Ben: No but I haven't had it in a while...(in an attempt to divert my attention away from Olivia of coarse he have me check his head first)

Olivia: LOOK what is happening to me Mom..(eyes wider then ever)...every time I do this (she grabs a handful of hair and pulls) THIS HAPPENS! (handfull of hair come out as she pulls)

At this point I realize what has happened and that they are lying to me....

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO????? YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?????

Olivia: Ben did it!

Ben: She cut mine first...she told me to do it....(grasping at lies, as his hair was not cut..and Olivia later tells me that Ben diverted her attention while he deliberately cut her hair)

Ben now senses I am on to him...then suddenly says "OKAY OKAY...I'M GOING TO MY ROOM"

Unbelievable...needless to say yes they spent time in their rooms, and they both had their allowance taken to pay for her hair cut....

A lesson learned? We shall see as this is the 3rd time they have snuck the scissors.

Not Cute....LOL.

The "Explosive Child"

"See, Mom and Dad, I have a little problem. Actually, it's turning into a big problem. I'm not good at being flexible, handling frustration, and solving problems. And you guys and lots of other people expect me to handle changes in plans, being told what to do, and things not going the way I thought they would, as well as other kids. When you expect these things, I start to get frustrated, and then I have trouble thinking clearly, and then I get even more frustrated. Then you guys get frustrated, and that just makes it worse. Then I start doing things I wish I didn't do and things I wish I didn't say. Then you sometimes do things you wish you didn't do and say things you wish you didn't say. Then you punish me, and it gets really messy. After the dust settles, you know, when I start thinking clearly again, I end up being really sorry for the things I did and said. I know this isn't fun for you, but rest assured, I'm not having any fun either. I wish we could figure out why I act like this, and work together so it doesn't happen anymore"

This brought tears to my eyes when I read this because it puts into words the way I think Benjamin feels....when I ask him why he acts the way he does the only way he can describe it is "my brain tells me to" or "I don't know Mom, I can't control it".

I am finally getting to reading a much talked about and referenced book "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. I am only on the third chapter and I am very impressed and intrigued to keep reading. He describes our son Ben to a T..and has examples of how other parents feel, that describe the agony the guilt and utter frustration that has left me zapped of all energy.
I can see that I am not the only one that feels buried under the speculation, and scrutinay of the masses that Ben's behavioral issues are as of a result of poor parenting, when in reality he is a special needs child that has not learned the same coping techniques others have at this age to deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
As one parent says " I hate what I've become. I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But my child has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I'm emotionally spent. I can't keep living like this, I feel alone."
I also feel as this mother did, that at times I feel guilty because alot of the time I really don't like my son, nor what he is doing to our family, we are feeling like we are walking on egg shells waiting for the next crisis to happen. Always in a "perpetual state of crisis

Chapter 2 is entitled "Kids Do Well If They Can"
The basic premise to this chapter is that if a kid COULD do well, he WOULD do well.
The most importanT thing you can do to help your explosive kid to be less explosive is to understand why he's explosive in the first place.
Interesting it states not to put alot of faith in phychiatric diagnosis. While a diagnoses can help certifiy that there is something different about your kid, labelling Ben as ODD doesn't help you identify the thinking skills he is lacking that I could be teaching, or the problems that are underlying your child's explosions that I could be helping him solve.Ben isen't explosive all the time, only sometimes under certain conditons, because he doesn't have the skills to deal well with the demands that are being placed on him.
So the FIRST STEP in achieving success: is accepting that if Ben COULD be more flexible, handle frustration more adaptively, and solve problems more proficiantly, he WOULD.
SECOND STEP: Identify the specific lagging skill and unsolved problems that are setting the stage for explosions in Ben.
All convential explanations and parenting skills need to be put on the shelf. A new plan needs to be made, but we got some figuring to do first......I can't wait for the next chapter!
So the past few months have been very challenging with Benjamin and his behavior. I have been very involved with the school advacating for Ben and ensuring he is being viewed as a special needs child. I have had to have him changed to a different class for this last symester to hopefully keep him away from other troubled children he was friends with. I also have enrolled him in a program at the school called STEPS, this is a program run to help children learn how to manage their anger in a more appropriate way.
The main strategy we are working on at school and at home is remaing "COOL" and using words not hands to resolve conflict. Benjamin will recieve reward and praise for showing this behavior. I have placed fun sings up around the house to help him with this! I also have started having regular visits from Madamme Vanier Child Mental Health Services in our home. I have enrolled in their Intesive Family Service which allows a child counsellor into our home 2 or more times if need to observe and offer parenting strategies to assist us in helping Ben learn to cope with his anger management. Our counceller will also likely visit the school to observe Ben there as well.
Lastly we have started Ben on a drug called Strattera which is designed mainly for children with ADHD, but has shown to help improve the "rage" in children with ODD. Ben has been taking Strattera for approx 6 week now, and has been a full clinical strength for approx 2 (18mg) I am seeing small improvements in him, for example his rage episodes are fewer and are not as long maybe 20 min for him to work through, whereas before it could be up to an hour or more. Small things that before would trigger an episode now do not on his good days. I also see small improvements in his affection and a slight improvement in his caring for others. He has a number of time come up unprompted and hugged me and told me he loved me. This is so nice!

I am also currently looking into something I stubbled upon last night in my research that link Ben's bedwetting, griding of his teeth (horrible), racing heart beats and ODD to an overactive parasympathic nervous system. Not sure if this will give me any answers but we shall see.

The "F" Word

The language of today, for the most part in pretty foul. I would like to think however that my children are someone immune from it at least for now.

I laugh though when Ben comes home from school and says to me "Mom..I know what the "F" word is..."Fart", or I know what the "H" word is..."Hate", or "S" word is "Stupid". I am thankful that these are the words he thinks are BAD words or Swears..as these words coming from a 6 year old do not sound all that nice.

Tonight however I fear the innocence has been lost, and Ben has been exposed to the real "F" swear word. He is in Grade 1.
I was upstairs making dinner and I hear Ben downstairs "OH..F@#$@#$@"....excuse me???? I asked him where he heard it and although he said from school, he "doesn't" remember from who.

I really suspect it was from one particular boy that I have cautioned him against playing with..he is a troubled boy unfortunately from a bad family and has already been suspended once for aggressive behavior (stabbed Ben with a pencil)...pretty sad really.

That being said, I think Ben doesn't want to tell on his friends. Either way he had a stern talking to. I sure hope I don't hear that from him again.

Am I going to survive these school years?