Perfect

So here is another piece of writing that I've been working on. I hope it helps those who read it understand what it's like to have a child with emotional disabilities.Unfortunately many fail to look at Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiance Disorder as disabilities, but rather something that can be handled by discipline and a change in diet. Please if you read this blog, also read my previous poem called "The Monster Inside" as this Disability is as real as any other.

Perfect

His first breath, first cry, first glance up into my eyes,

His first suckle, his first cuddle, these are the bonds that ties,

His ten little fingers, and ten little toes,

Cute little button nose.

How I love each part of you,

I stare at you day one day two,

Perfect in all that you do.

The first little giggle,

Rolling over with a wiggle,

Soon you will crawl,

I think I am going to bawl,

Is that your first tooth?

He’s been so hard to sooth.

Please don’t cry,

Mommy’s going to try.

To be perfect in all I do,

When it comes to raising you.

His first words, his first steps,

His first fall, when running down the hall.

He’s so upset, I cannot stop the tears,

Is he frustrated, upset or is this because of fears?

I try to help, make things right,

But now he’s trying to bite.

I try to keep him safe from harm,

Don’t want him to break an arm,

While he throws his little body into the walls,

Drags his forehead while he crawls,

Is this normal, is this right?

It’s just his personality, he’s alright.

You’re my perfect little man,

You’ll grow out of this I know you can!

The doctor says no problems, nothing’s wrong,

Like other’s his age, he’s growing up strong.

Children are all different, develop in their own way.

Don’t worry everything will be okay.

I remember those words and think of them every day,

But deep inside I wonder,

Keeping notes and I ponder,

That I may need to prepare,

For challenges to beware.

He sleeps through the night,

He always has until it’s light,

He wakes and demands to wear all his ties,

One will not do, or he gets tears in his eyes.

Then we must find him his rubber balls,

Look everywhere, put out the calls,

One in each hand, never will he part

Or he will cry like I’ve broken his heart.

Don’t worry son, I will take care,

To keep a good supply, as rubber balls aren’t rare!

I think to myself, this may be odd,

But he’s still perfect even though a little flawed!

As days turns into months and then to years,

There seems to be more anger and fears,

Temper tantrums turned to rage,

Not like other boys his age.

Needing things a certain way,

Especially when and how to play.

What he’ll eat and how it’s prepared,

It must be perfect, nothing can be compared.

He’s so impulsive, fearless and untamed,

Always feels he’s free from being blamed.

I’m being told he isn’t right,

Even though he is quite bright!

Is this just behavioral or something more?

Is my parenting very poor?

What should I do, where should I go?

How can this be?

Why did this happen to me?

Could my child have special needs?

I’ve done the research, and yes indeed,

He has something called ADHD, struggles with ODD.

The doctors access and they’ve agreed,

Perfect I say, now let’s start a plan

I promised him I would do all I can.

To give him every chance in life,

To live his days with little strife.

I am so proud of my little man,

He is so brave, I am his biggest fan.

How I love each part of you,

PERFECT in all you do!

I Do Not Know

So here I sit, another sleepless night. The kids are tucked in sleeping, and the sounds of my husband's snoring fills the air. Most nights I look back on the day and although I feel relief that the day is over, I feel somewhat assured that I have done a good job, and that all my efforts have not been in vain....but tonight I can't say this.
I feel so overwhelmed with confusion, I feel such a responsibility for the way my children turn out that I  wounder if I am steering them wrong.  All that they do lately is fight and yell and scream and cry. My efforts to regain the peace between them usually ends up in more fighting, yelling, screaming and crying, but usually involves one more person...me!  I don't know what I am doing wrong..my day is spent trying to keep the peace and keeping everyone happy. Lately it seems like it's having the opposite effect.
The stress of everyday life is getting to us all, but mostly Jeremy.  He has been working long stressful days to provide for us and to allow me to be a stay at home mom, I really admire and appreciate his dedication to his family. So when he comes home from work I want it to be a peaceful, relaxing evening for him, but instead it usually is the opposite. When he finds more comfort alone in our bedroom with the door closed rather then with us it makes me feel like a failure.

What more can I do? I do not know...How much more can I give?....I do not know....Can I do better???...I do not know....but tomorrow is another day, and I will try again, and again, and again cause that is what a Mother does....

The Bully

So this past week our school took part in Anti Bullying Week. The whole week was focused on this not being tolerated or accepted. We were encouraged to stand up to bullying, and were taught what to do in the case where we are being bullied or see someone else being bullied. We all took a Pledge and signed a paper committing to this.
So with that in mind, I was really not happy when Ben came home with 2 accounts of being bullied this week.
One of the incidents occurred on the playground and the other on the bus, and I am very proud of the decisions Ben made, as the outcomes could have been much worse.
The first occasion was a conflict with another child on the playground. The children like to play a game called Beyblades, which is a spinning top like game. Ben traded tops with another boy on the playground, who after playing a few spins broke a piece off of the top. He insisted that Ben trade back the top he just broke. Ben was co operative and traded back the tops, leaving him with the broken piece. Then the boy got up, kicked the arena and broke it as well and walked away.
I was really unhappy to learn that Ben had been a victim of bullying, however so happy that Ben didn't "strike" back, he handled himself really well.
The next day on the bus ride home, the younger brother to the other child already mentioned lost his temper with some girls that were sitting behind Ben. This boy started threatening Ben with a fist saying that he needed to bring a knife to school and stab those girls with it...Ben seeing how angry this boy was, didn't know what to do. He felt threatened, and yet out of the concern of others agreed to the boys demands just hoping to calm him down, then turned to the girls being threatened and told them that he would never do that, he just lied to the boy to calm him down.
This is not the first time this young boy has threatened with a knife, and so out of the concern for our children and his I HAD to call the Principal of the school. Bullying cannot be tolerated, no matter the age of the children involved. These two boys have serious problems that needed to be addressed, so I hope that it is.
In both cases though Ben did not over react and was able to think through whatever emotions he may have been feeling and he made good decisions. I was so proud of him, and made sure I told him so!

FYI

So this past week has gone very good with Ben. His emotions seem to have levelled out, as he is not crying as easily. His appetite is being greatly effected, often he only eats a few small items each meal. He also is having trouble getting to sleep at night, usually not getting to sleep until 11:00 or later.
His teacher has said he is much better then he was prior to Vyvanse, however still has silliness at times and needs to be told to settle down. However I am not getting the sense from her that he is as out of control as before....it sounds to me that he has the silly time but is able be brought back to task in a reasonable amount of time. So that is definitely an improvement.

I do have a new concerns though that I have seen in the past few days. I am beginning to see a bit of his rage return...out of control anger. Twice in that past week he has lost control and kicks and screams and destroys belongings as a result to being punished. I am unsure as to if this is because this new drug focuses more on his ADHD and less the ODD? As the old drug I found helped with his ODD and less the ADHD.  Every drug has it's strengths or what it works best for, so if this problem continues we may need to address this later on...perhaps in some further counselling on anger management??? Something I am definitely going to keep my eye on.
But in the meantime I am happy that he is more successful at school, I think any silliness he is displaying is more what a typical 8 year old would be displaying. Although there is a place and a time to be silly, I think he will never be the perfect quiet kid in the corner, and I am happy that he's not!

Family Dinner November 2011

So this years fall dinner was a great time! The kids all recieved presents from Nanna and Pappa. A suit or dress and a toy! The boys got remote control cars and Olivia a Lite Bright. Ben said it was the "best day of my life", so funny!

We took our annual picture of the kids, I love this tradition as it shows how the kids grow and change over the years!

And of coarse the food is delish!

Cinderella

So the long awaited day has arrived! I was able to go with Ben to go see the Theatre production of Cinderella, and it was fantastic.  Everyone enjoyed the show, even Ben, although he did loose interest towards the end and fell asleep..lol!

Decisions

So we are at the 2 week point of Ben being on Vyvanse 20mg's....I can honestly and happily say that I have seen some pretty amazing changes to Ben's personality, a glimpse at my boy I always knew was there, buried behind a wall of behavior he couldn't control.
He is much more controlled in school and is able to think through his urges to misbehave. He is making better choices. He understands how his behavior in the past was not acceptable, and even shows remorse.
He's not 100 percent better and may need a slight increase to help round off some of the rough edges, as his teacher still reports some misbehavior and unwillingness to co operate, but definitely an improvement.
I have definitely noticed his lack of appetite, some difficulty falling asleep, he also has been talking in his sleep. The most noticeable however has been is heightened emotions, he cries very easily and even sees life from a very sensitive view.
He asked me "Mom, when a toad or frog gets killed, does it's family members come looking for him?"
all through tears. He also has expressed concerns that his prayers are not being heard, because he feels his past bad behavior has made God stop listening.
This vulnerability is a refreshing change in him, showing remorse and concern for others...as heart breaking as it is to hear him questioning his relationship with God, I see this as an improved sense of responsibility for his actions. He really had no sense of what this meant prior to Vyvanse.

I do feel that he needs another week to adjust to the drug, and am hoping that his side effects will level off a bit more before I increase his dose to 30mgs, or I may choose to keep him at 20mgs as his ADHD is manageable.

The Monster Inside- My first attempt at writing

The Monster Inside

I am a just a boy, with a monster inside.

A boy who would be good, if he could.

There is nothing else I want besides.

What’s wrong, why can’t I be what I should?

I try to stop the monster inside,

I struggle each day, I promise I try.

To do what I am told, to obey and be bold.

But I need your understanding, patience and love,

And even some help from above.

There is a monster inside me that makes me pout.

He makes me kick, scream and shout!

Why can’t you see things my way, just try to relate,

I didn’t mean to say those things to berate.

I want to be your friend,

on me you can depend.....but...

He doesn't like things your way,

only my we must play.

It's not my fault, it's the monster to blame,

I didn't want to ruin the game.

I try to listen to the teachers and all they have to say,

why can't the monster take a break, so I can learn all day?

I want to be smart there is no doubt,

instead he creates a fuss, interrupts and speaks out.

Unable to concentrate, finish or complete,

The teachers getting mad because she needs to repeat.

All I want is to be well liked,

Be accepted by you, not told to take a hike.

But I don’t know how to sit still

They tell me I need to take a pill.

Could this be the key?

Will this set me free?

To show you all I have to give,

I really just want to live.

To help me become all I can be,

Without the monster in me.

Mrs Kool...she is cool!

So we met with Olivia's teacher tonight for an update on how Olivia is doing so far this year. I am happy to report the teacher says she is doing well, and coming along to standard.  She showed us examples of her journal and her math work. I was able to read most all her words, she is sounding out words and although spelt incorrectly you can see the reasoning for the phonetic sounds she puts together to make up a word. Her understanding of patterning and sorting according to like shapes and colors is right on as well.
She had concerns that Olivia sometimes doesn't speak up and ask clarifying questions before starting on her work, and although she completes the task with the right concepts, she hasn't completed the task according to directions.  I find she does this at home allot as well, she is so eager to get something done she goes at it without listening to all the instructions.
I asked her how she was emotionally at school, as she is usually a bawling mess most of the time at home, and she said that she is fine and well behaved, always polite and ready to please. She socializes well, and at times needs to be reminded when to stop talking.
I let her know my concerns about her being bullied at times by some of the other girls in the class, as Olivia tends to want to please everyone and goes along with whatever she is told, she is often rail roaded, excluded or told what to do and how to do it, and when she tries to speak up and tell on kids, she is told that if she tells on them they will tell on her for telling on them....so she says nothing.
This being ani bullying week, I asked that she might be able to go over some of those points with the children, understanding of coarse that allot of that is "normal behavior" amongst girls....but still not acceptable in my opinion.
So all in all Mrs. Kool had a glowing report for Olivia, and is happy with her progress.

to be continued.....

November 16^th

Today was a perfect day for Ben, I haven’t been able to say since he was a baby!  He was well behaved at school and at home.  He has been co-operative, reasonable, his emotions were in balance. I was able to have a very heart felt conversation with him about his feelings since starting Vyvanse.

He feels he doesn’t have as many friends since starting, because he is no longer being silly the kids are not laughing at him as much. He does like that he isen’t getting in trouble anymore though.
I explained that it is okay to be silly still at recess or on lunch break or free activity time, but during class time it’s not. I told him that the kids do like him, and that a girl name Jade who doesn’t even talk to him because of shyness considers him her best friend in the class (she told her mom) and that all the kids in the class come up to me in the school and always have good things to tell me about him. I encouraged him to move his desk back with the other children so he can feel more part of the group, and be able to make friends easier.
Ben has also started reading from the Bible, and really is enjoying it! He looks forward to finding the scriptures using his simplified version of the Watchtower magazine. It seems that he has turned some of his Hyperfocus onto this, which delights me!  He even argued with me at the Kingdom hall tonight when we had to leave early..he wanted to stay!  We also talked about him joining the Theocratic Ministry School and he is excited to do so! Amazing is the word!
He took his meds around 8 today, and the effects seemed to last until bed at 9pm.

November 17^th

Ben had an okay day at school today, however did have a small problem with the teacher and expected work completion. He was prevented from eating his second lunch until he completed an assignment. As a result Ben hid under his desk for the afternoon, as he was mad at the teacher for not allowing him to eat.

He said he received 6 out of 7 stars on his behavior reward chart.
He received his meds at 8:00 am and the effects seemed to last until approx. 7pm. At this time you could see Ben’s become increasingly more active and unable to control it. But seemed to be able to fall asleep by 9:30pm.
I have noticed since starting Vyvanse Ben is talking in his sleep nearly every night.

My Golden Girl

I looked back over my blog and noticed something....I always write about my son. While Ben does occupy most of my time and energy, I do want to talk about my sweet little Olivia.

She is such a sweet girl, well natured and so easy going most days! I often take this for granted, and at times I feel guilty for that. I need to take some lessons from her, she is so patient and caring and she puts others needs ahead of her own. She has taken so much abuse from Ben, and yet still looks up to him with the most innocent eyes.  She is so responsible for her brothers as well, very sensitive to their where abouts and well being.

I love my little Golden Girl, and she loves me unconditionally. I wish I could give her more attention then I do, she thrives on it! She loves to be held, hugged and snuggled with every chance she can get! I feel that I have cheated her out of to many of those moments.As a Mom of a special needs child I think that maybe a normal feeling, but I am always feeling like I could be doing more.

I look at her and I see so much of myself, she truly is my daughter...she may not look like me, but she certainly has the same sensitive personality, and cries a the drop of a dime. I sure hope this serves her better then it has me over the years. 

I love my sweet Olivia, and I can't wait to see her everyday!



My toothless one!

Tomorow is a New Day

So here we are nearing the end of 2011...it's November. A month that see's the beauty of fall and the shimmering flakes of the first snow, it's filled with the playful laughter of children in the leaves and rolling that first snowball.
I am looking at this month as one would look at the next day....tomorrow is a new day....this month is a new month full of new days that will hopefully lead to many more.

My last post was written at the beginning of 2011, Ben had been experiencing a very successful year at  Westfield Public School.  He continued right through to the end of that school year with little to no problems socially or academically. He was a very confident, happy successful child with a few behavioural oddities that were manageable.

The summer months Ben played outside nearly everyday. We have become the central "hub" for the neighborhood kids, every day we had comings and goings and Ben loved it!  He had few issues over the summer, and for the most part his outbursts and oppositional behaviour was manageable.

As the new school year approached Ben's didn't seem to bothered by Westfield closing and Harrisfield being his new school. He did however redevelop his tick in his neck again, only noticeable my those who know him best, showing that he was feeling anxiety at some level.

September-to current has been a huge challenge. The start of the school year for Ben and Isaac was incredibly difficult. 
Isaac took 2 full weeks to adjust to being without Mommy...he begged me everyday not to leave him, tearing at my clothes and clawing at the windows as I walked away.  It was he hardest thing I've ever had to do for such a long period of time. However happy to say he is doing well, and actually looks forward to going to school everyday!

Benjamin however has completely fell back into the behavior that we experienced in Grade 1.  He is uncontrolled, disruptive, disrespectful, oppositional to authority, unable to calm. We have calls from the school near every day, and he is removed from his classroom nearly everyday so the teacher can continue her lessons.
We are currently reassessing his medication therapy, and have chosen to start a new drug call Vyvanse. Here is his journey so far as I am trying to journal it from the day we took him off Stattera to the day he began Vyvanse and his day to day forward.

Thursday, October 27^th

First day off Strattera

At school:Teacher reported behaviour good in morning, but fell apart in afternoon. Very disruptive, unfocused.  Unable to reign in from silly behaviour.
At home: Ben behaved well, did not notice any disruptive or oppositional behaviour. Did see an increase in emotion, easy to upset, and explosive in his response to questions.  Felt that Cameron and Trevor were excluding him and treat him like that “every day of his life”.
Went out for dinner, was able to sit well behaved-occupied with DS.
Was not able to cope with threat of not getting a flashlight...instant OMG yelling.
Insists on always getting his way and being first.

Friday, October 28^th
At school:Teacher reports Ben did not behave well in morning, very disruptive mimicking other children. Unable to focus. 
If she ignores his behaviour it gets worse, if she speaks to him to stop his behavior he ignores her and continues.  He had to be removed from the class and do school work in learning support room.  He works well when he is being instructed one on one, but is not able to do in group setting, as he feeds off of other misbehaved children, Mason for ei.
I suggested eliminating group time in desks setting, and she said is unable to set up desks that way as she needs carpet time (again group instruction time?)
She said her class runs better when she has EI full support, but divided support does her no help. I suggested that I come in and help in the classroom every day to help support her...she said I am welcome to come in and observe?  I suggested an abbreviated school day for Ben keeping him only for his core subjects....she will talk with Principle about her options.
At home: No change in usual behavior, disobedient. Needing constant reminders to complete tasks. Emotional response to discipline

Saturday October 29
At home: During bath time in the morning we had some trouble. Sensitive to “dirty tub” refused to get back in tub until it was emptied and thoroughly washed and rinsed…yelled for 5 min straight that he will never get back in that tub (a bit of poo from his bum resulting from a faulty wipe) after several attempts to get him back in the cleaned tub he finally agreed.
Then refusing to wash his hair, it’s been a week since he has washed his hair, and argues with me about how I am to wash his hair and what is acceptable….(mommy has a temper tantrum, and forces a hair washing not acceptable to him, as the arguing got to be to much) removed him from the tub and asked him to take a time out to settle down and I would do the same.
After this incident Ben behaved for the rest of the day with the occasional irritation to his siblings, he tends to like doing repetitive things like sounds, hums, songs and will not stop until he gets a negative reaction and even that sometime will not stop the behavior.

Sunday October 30,31^st
At home: Ben not having any problems. Asked if he feels any different by Nanna since being off pills. Ben said he feels “calmer”???  Said he has trouble behaving in class because he has to many friends and can’t handle it?
Noticeable behavior difference, hugging and snuggling on couch. Seems to get my hyper active in evenings.
November 1-9th
Ben's behavior continued to get worse, at school as well as at home....extreme reactions to discipline, irritable, unable to focus on one task from start to finish. Very disruptive in school..received calls from school, and to call teacher after school.

November 10^th
After completing the Acters profile for Dr. Carson is was clear that Ben is ADHD and ODD with Social Adjustment Disorder.   His results showed low to nearly off the chart indicator's to the above diagnosis. Doctor suggests change to new medication Vyvanse- this is a stimulant drug that has great results for children with Ben's symptoms.
Ben started Vyvanse today on 20mg's, he is to be on this dose for 14 days and then will be increased to 30 mg's.
-side effect's-extremely emotional, he begged me not to send him to school. He refused to enter the school, and teacher had to “wait” for him to be ready to enter school. Once in class he asked to work alone in the hallway.  He did not feel like being around the other children. When I went to pick him up at lunch he started to cry immediately.  I attempted to bring him back to school in the PM, however Ben could not control his emotions. I couldn't leave him crying, I just couldn't do it, so I brought him home to ride out the 1^st day symptoms. He continued emotional most the day until about 4pm. 
-noticed emotional state ended at 4pm approx. And he became increasingly anxious and found it difficult to contain his energy....the drug was wearing off
-bed time 8pm..after reading for about 30 min Ben was unable to go to sleep...I asked him to read some more..10 pm still unable to sleep...Ben fell asleep for 1 hour around 12:00 am. At 1am he woke up and did not go back to sleep.

November 11^th
Ben did not sleep the night before, but did not seem to be tired at all. Eyes wide open!  I gave him medication at 7:30am. Ben seemed to take the medication better with no emotional instability! Seems very reasonable and in control.
Elevated obsession with Minecraft (computer game) seems to think about only this most of the time..talks about it and is very involved during play....thinking this might be Hyper focus???
-notice lack of appetite
-went to school in the PM and had good success, was told by teacher that he had a good day. He earned 4 stars on his reward chart! (out of 7 stars for the afternoon learning block) was able to work in class for most of afternoon
-drug seemed to wear off around 6:30ish, showing signs of irritability...over reactions to Olivia taunting him, he made a bad choice and kicked her in the face “kicked her on purpose, but accidentally in the face”, also seemed very hyper during a family game of Monopoly Jr. But was able to complete game with little prompting or irritation
-had a little trouble settling for bed, but was able to fall asleep by 9:30

Reflections

Wow, I can't believe we are well into 2011 already, February 1st! I reflect on last year with a sense of relief that it's over, and look to this coming year with anticipation.

This past year we started the year in one place and ended up in a totally different place. This time last year we were living in London, I was working full time and trying to care for our ever demanding young family. Ben was continuing down a very emotionally destructive path and was showing little to no improvement even with therapy from local child support counsellors.

Mid spring my grandmother past away, this was a great loss to the family and she will be missed, her passing however led to huge life changing decisions that led to me quiting my job of 10 years and moving to Ingersoll into her home that had come for sale through the estate.

As noted in previous blogs, Ben has improved..the smaller school has really made a difference in him. His teachers have even said that he is a different student now then when he began! That alone makes everything else worth it!

So here we are..now we have a brand new year full of new challenges and changes to face together. What will life throw at us??? Hopefully all good things!

At the moment I am spending my days caring for the children, this is a full time job in itself.

Soon however my unemployment will be running out, and I am facing another possible life changing decision. I have the opportunity to go back to school with the government retraining program. I have to get more details on the program, but it presents a great opportunity to get into a new career path. However here lies the problem....I don't know what I would like to study...I have spent my whole life NOT planning a career, or even thinking about college...I really have no interest in it....but how do I not take advantage of this???

Another decision would be sending my baby Isaac to school in September...this would be the all day everyday program...this would also involve taking a bus to and from school...this makes me sooo nervous. He will only be just turning 4...just a baby in my opinion.

I was not planning this at all...I was just going to stay at home and be with the children..even if in school, being available to pick them up when they were sick...or for lunches..home for the holidays or even having the option of keeping Isaac at home for an extra year. Perhaps doing daycare in the home or even start regular auxiliary pioneering were some of the plans I thought of...I am so undecided..I wish there was a clear direction for me or someone could just tell me the right thing to do.....grrr.