The "Explosive Child"

"See, Mom and Dad, I have a little problem. Actually, it's turning into a big problem. I'm not good at being flexible, handling frustration, and solving problems. And you guys and lots of other people expect me to handle changes in plans, being told what to do, and things not going the way I thought they would, as well as other kids. When you expect these things, I start to get frustrated, and then I have trouble thinking clearly, and then I get even more frustrated. Then you guys get frustrated, and that just makes it worse. Then I start doing things I wish I didn't do and things I wish I didn't say. Then you sometimes do things you wish you didn't do and say things you wish you didn't say. Then you punish me, and it gets really messy. After the dust settles, you know, when I start thinking clearly again, I end up being really sorry for the things I did and said. I know this isn't fun for you, but rest assured, I'm not having any fun either. I wish we could figure out why I act like this, and work together so it doesn't happen anymore"

This brought tears to my eyes when I read this because it puts into words the way I think Benjamin feels....when I ask him why he acts the way he does the only way he can describe it is "my brain tells me to" or "I don't know Mom, I can't control it".

I am finally getting to reading a much talked about and referenced book "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. I am only on the third chapter and I am very impressed and intrigued to keep reading. He describes our son Ben to a T..and has examples of how other parents feel, that describe the agony the guilt and utter frustration that has left me zapped of all energy.
I can see that I am not the only one that feels buried under the speculation, and scrutinay of the masses that Ben's behavioral issues are as of a result of poor parenting, when in reality he is a special needs child that has not learned the same coping techniques others have at this age to deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
As one parent says " I hate what I've become. I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But my child has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I'm emotionally spent. I can't keep living like this, I feel alone."
I also feel as this mother did, that at times I feel guilty because alot of the time I really don't like my son, nor what he is doing to our family, we are feeling like we are walking on egg shells waiting for the next crisis to happen. Always in a "perpetual state of crisis

Chapter 2 is entitled "Kids Do Well If They Can"
The basic premise to this chapter is that if a kid COULD do well, he WOULD do well.
The most importanT thing you can do to help your explosive kid to be less explosive is to understand why he's explosive in the first place.
Interesting it states not to put alot of faith in phychiatric diagnosis. While a diagnoses can help certifiy that there is something different about your kid, labelling Ben as ODD doesn't help you identify the thinking skills he is lacking that I could be teaching, or the problems that are underlying your child's explosions that I could be helping him solve.Ben isen't explosive all the time, only sometimes under certain conditons, because he doesn't have the skills to deal well with the demands that are being placed on him.
So the FIRST STEP in achieving success: is accepting that if Ben COULD be more flexible, handle frustration more adaptively, and solve problems more proficiantly, he WOULD.
SECOND STEP: Identify the specific lagging skill and unsolved problems that are setting the stage for explosions in Ben.
All convential explanations and parenting skills need to be put on the shelf. A new plan needs to be made, but we got some figuring to do first......I can't wait for the next chapter!
So the past few months have been very challenging with Benjamin and his behavior. I have been very involved with the school advacating for Ben and ensuring he is being viewed as a special needs child. I have had to have him changed to a different class for this last symester to hopefully keep him away from other troubled children he was friends with. I also have enrolled him in a program at the school called STEPS, this is a program run to help children learn how to manage their anger in a more appropriate way.
The main strategy we are working on at school and at home is remaing "COOL" and using words not hands to resolve conflict. Benjamin will recieve reward and praise for showing this behavior. I have placed fun sings up around the house to help him with this! I also have started having regular visits from Madamme Vanier Child Mental Health Services in our home. I have enrolled in their Intesive Family Service which allows a child counsellor into our home 2 or more times if need to observe and offer parenting strategies to assist us in helping Ben learn to cope with his anger management. Our counceller will also likely visit the school to observe Ben there as well.
Lastly we have started Ben on a drug called Strattera which is designed mainly for children with ADHD, but has shown to help improve the "rage" in children with ODD. Ben has been taking Strattera for approx 6 week now, and has been a full clinical strength for approx 2 (18mg) I am seeing small improvements in him, for example his rage episodes are fewer and are not as long maybe 20 min for him to work through, whereas before it could be up to an hour or more. Small things that before would trigger an episode now do not on his good days. I also see small improvements in his affection and a slight improvement in his caring for others. He has a number of time come up unprompted and hugged me and told me he loved me. This is so nice!

I am also currently looking into something I stubbled upon last night in my research that link Ben's bedwetting, griding of his teeth (horrible), racing heart beats and ODD to an overactive parasympathic nervous system. Not sure if this will give me any answers but we shall see.