So I've read from cover to cover the "Explosive Child" that I spoke about in a earlier post.
It is pretty much spot on in describing Ben and his behavior. It points out something that I have been saying for a very looong time, that using Sticker Charts, Rewards and Circumstance Disipline does not achieve any desired result in these children, in fact often causes an already escalated situation worse.
So how do you teach a child right and wrong behavior?
Well it has helped me first Identify that Benjamin has what is called "Lagging Skills" skills that help him deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
I went through a list and rated Ben on a scale of 0 1 2 3 representing Never/Sometimes/Often/Always and here are the results
1) Difficulty handling transitions shifting from one mindset or task to another-3-
I rated him a three as often Ben has extreme trouble shifting gears, it takes time for him to leave behind the thoughts of the video game he is playing, the TV show he is watching, he becomes so involved in that world that to shift him out of "play" mode into sitting still immediately for dinner, or to hurray up and get ready to leave...or even to go to bed, often ends up in explosive behavior...as we are expecting him to be able to put what he is doing down immediately and "Do as he is told"
2) Difficulty doing things in logical sequence or prescribed order -1-
I rate him a one simply because he doesn't seem to be obsessed about a certain order things should occur. He does at times show that he expects exact answers when he is asking "When can I?" or "how long before we can?" no vage answer like "in a little while" or "soon" will suffice..and if you give him a time he expects you to stick to it or often he will get upset.
3)Difficulty persisting on challanging or tedious tasks -3-
Ben often gives up very easy when he isen't the best or number 1 at something. If he is finding it challanging even a little he gives up and says it is to hard or impossible. For example riding his bike, he is 7 and yet has been able to get past the frustration to learn this skill.
4)Poor sense of time -0-
Ben shows no signs of this being a problem, actually really the opposite..he is very aware of time.
5)Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously -2-
When speaking with Ben you often need to be very specific about what you need him to remember, often he "forgets"
6)Difficulty maintaining focus -2-
As long as it is one thing at a time he seems to focus well, except at the end of a school day or long day it is very difficult to keep him focussed on anything.
7) Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem -3-
With Ben is typically is his way or the highway, not usually open to options
8)Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, thoughts in words -1-
Often Ben gets very frustrated when asked how he feels, however as long as he is not in the heat of the moment you can often have a heart to heart with him.
9)Difficulty understanding what is said -0-
He understands however I can talk till I am blue sometime and if he not receptive at that moment he won't hear you.
10)Difficulty managing emotional response to frusration so as to think rationally-3-
This is a HUGE PROBLEM for him, when he is frustrated and is raging he is not rational at all
11) Chronic irratablitly and or anxiety significantly imedes capacity for problem solving or heightens frustration -3-
Ben is always irratable, it's like walking on egg shells.
12) Difficultly seeing "greys" black and white thinking -2-
Ben doesn't understand any answer that begins with Maybe, or perhaps-he wants to know the exact answer as to where, when, why..
13)difficult deviating from rules, routine -0- If anything Ben is always breaking the rules and challenging routine as much as possible.
14)Difficult handling unpredictabilty, ambiguty, uncertainty -0-
15)..shifting from original plan -2- if we tell Ben we are going to do something with him and due to circumstances we can't honor it, Ben has a very difficult time understanding and coping with a plan change.
16)Taking into account situational factors that would suggest a need to adjust a plan of action -2- same as above
17)Inflexible, inaccurate interpetations/cognitve distotions or biases (eg. everyone is out to get me, nobody likes me) -3- To Ben the world is always out to get him, thinking he has no friends or everyone at he school was picking on him, when in reality he has lots of friends and perhaps one single person made a comment that he felt was inaccurate to him he is being picked on.
18)Difficulty attending to or accurately interpretting social cues/poor perception of social nuances -2- Ben is very akward in public relations, and seems very unaware of acceptable behavior
19)Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people/lacking other basic social skills -2- Similar to above, but worse when it is in group settings, Ben tends to either withdrawl completely or becomes an irritant to everyone
20)seeking attention in appropriate ways -2- Ben always seems to seek attention in inappropriate ways, doing things in what seems to be just to get a reaction
21)Difficulty appeciating how his behavior is effecting other people -3- Ben has no concept of what this means
22)Difficulty empathizing with others appreciating another persons perspective or point of view -3- Ben does not sympathize with anyone or anything and has no abilty to see another point of view...his way or the highway
23)Difficulty appreciating how he is coming accross or being percieved by other -3-Ben does understand this concept it all about him and doesn't understand that he is not acting "normal", yet he can clearly pick out another childs imperfections.
So this scoring simply helps me understand him a little more and perhaps help me change my approach to him. Once I understand his lagging skills we can then tackle Problem solving differently.
We are a work in progress and perhaps with a little more understanding and successful drug treatments (Stattera) we all might have a happier child and home life.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Beauty School Drop Out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TOxhzAm7fY (Link to Beauty School Drop Out, from the movie Grease)
Friday, March 26, 2010
CUT IT OUUUTTTTT!
Well Ben took that literally today, deciding to cut his sister's pony tail. 
Naturally of coarse him and Olivia devise a great story to go along with it to. I could barely hold it together while they spun a tale so big that even Pinocciho would have been proud.
I will update tomorrow with a picture of her new haircut that had to occur as a result..an emergency visit to First Choice, as it was the CO visit only hours before we had to leave.
But here is the story..I gotta hand it to them although a complete fabrication it was well scripted and acted out!
Ben: (coming running up from the basement stairs, all winded and out of breath) MOM, MOM, YOU HAVE TO CHECK LIV'S HAIR FOR LICE...but first check mine cause I haven't had it in a while..."
Me: Does someone in your class have Lice Ben? Why are you so worried?
Ben: No but I haven't had it in a while...(in an attempt to divert my attention away from Olivia of coarse he have me check his head first)
Olivia: LOOK what is happening to me Mom..(eyes wider then ever)...every time I do this (she grabs a handful of hair and pulls) THIS HAPPENS! (handfull of hair come out as she pulls)
At this point I realize what has happened and that they are lying to me....
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO????? YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?????
Olivia: Ben did it!
Ben: She cut mine first...she told me to do it....(grasping at lies, as his hair was not cut..and Olivia later tells me that Ben diverted her attention while he deliberately cut her hair)
Ben now senses I am on to him...then suddenly says "OKAY OKAY...I'M GOING TO MY ROOM"
Unbelievable...needless to say yes they spent time in their rooms, and they both had their allowance taken to pay for her hair cut....
A lesson learned? We shall see as this is the 3rd time they have snuck the scissors.
Not Cute....LOL.
Naturally of coarse him and Olivia devise a great story to go along with it to. I could barely hold it together while they spun a tale so big that even Pinocciho would have been proud.
I will update tomorrow with a picture of her new haircut that had to occur as a result..an emergency visit to First Choice, as it was the CO visit only hours before we had to leave.
But here is the story..I gotta hand it to them although a complete fabrication it was well scripted and acted out!
Ben: (coming running up from the basement stairs, all winded and out of breath) MOM, MOM, YOU HAVE TO CHECK LIV'S HAIR FOR LICE...but first check mine cause I haven't had it in a while..."
Me: Does someone in your class have Lice Ben? Why are you so worried?
Ben: No but I haven't had it in a while...(in an attempt to divert my attention away from Olivia of coarse he have me check his head first)
Olivia: LOOK what is happening to me Mom..(eyes wider then ever)...every time I do this (she grabs a handful of hair and pulls) THIS HAPPENS! (handfull of hair come out as she pulls)
At this point I realize what has happened and that they are lying to me....
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO????? YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?????
Olivia: Ben did it!
Ben: She cut mine first...she told me to do it....(grasping at lies, as his hair was not cut..and Olivia later tells me that Ben diverted her attention while he deliberately cut her hair)
Ben now senses I am on to him...then suddenly says "OKAY OKAY...I'M GOING TO MY ROOM"
Unbelievable...needless to say yes they spent time in their rooms, and they both had their allowance taken to pay for her hair cut....
A lesson learned? We shall see as this is the 3rd time they have snuck the scissors.
Not Cute....LOL.
The "Explosive Child"
"See, Mom and Dad, I have a little problem. Actually, it's turning into a big problem. I'm not good at being flexible, handling frustration, and solving problems. And you guys and lots of other people expect me to handle changes in plans, being told what to do, and things not going the way I thought they would, as well as other kids. When you expect these things, I start to get frustrated, and then I have trouble thinking clearly, and then I get even more frustrated. Then you guys get frustrated, and that just makes it worse. Then I start doing things I wish I didn't do and things I wish I didn't say. Then you sometimes do things you wish you didn't do and say things you wish you didn't say. Then you punish me, and it gets really messy. After the dust settles, you know, when I start thinking clearly again, I end up being really sorry for the things I did and said. I know this isn't fun for you, but rest assured, I'm not having any fun either. I wish we could figure out why I act like this, and work together so it doesn't happen anymore"
This brought tears to my eyes when I read this because it puts into words the way I think Benjamin feels....when I ask him why he acts the way he does the only way he can describe it is "my brain tells me to" or "I don't know Mom, I can't control it".
I am finally getting to reading a much talked about and referenced book "The Explosive Child"
by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. I am only on the third chapter and I am very impressed and intrigued to keep reading. He describes our son Ben to a T..and has examples of how other parents feel, that describe the agony the guilt and utter frustration that has left me zapped of all energy.
I can see that I am not the only one that feels buried under the speculation, and scrutinay of the masses that Ben's behavioral issues are as of a result of poor parenting, when in reality he is a special needs child that has not learned the same coping techniques others have at this age to deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
As one parent says " I hate what I've become. I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But my child has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I'm emotionally spent. I can't keep living like this, I feel alone."
I also feel as this mother did, that at times I feel guilty because alot of the time I really don't like my son, nor what he is doing to our family, we are feeling like we are walking on egg shells waiting for the next crisis to happen. Always in a "perpetual state of crisis
Chapter 2 is entitled "Kids Do Well If They Can"
The basic premise to this chapter is that if a kid COULD do well, he WOULD do well.
The most importanT thing you can do to help your explosive kid to be less explosive is to understand why he's explosive in the first place.
Interesting it states not to put alot of faith in phychiatric diagnosis. While a diagnoses can help certifiy that there is something different about your kid, labelling Ben as ODD doesn't help you identify the thinking skills he is lacking that I could be teaching, or the problems that are underlying your child's explosions that I could be helping him solve.Ben isen't explosive all the time, only sometimes under certain conditons, because he doesn't have the skills to deal well with the demands that are being placed on him.
So the FIRST STEP in achieving success: is accepting that if Ben COULD be more flexible, handle frustration more adaptively, and solve problems more proficiantly, he WOULD.
SECOND STEP: Identify the specific lagging skill and unsolved problems that are setting the stage for explosions in Ben.
All convential explanations and parenting skills need to be put on the shelf. A new plan needs to be made, but we got some figuring to do first......I can't wait for the next chapter!
So the past few months have been very challenging with Benjamin and his behavior. I have been very involved with the school advacating for Ben and ensuring he is being viewed as a special needs child. I have had to have him changed to a different class for this last symester to hopefully keep him away from other troubled children he was friends with. I also have enrolled him in a program at the school called STEPS, this is a program run to help children learn how to manage their anger in a more appropriate way.
The main strategy we are working on at school and at home is remaing "COOL" and using words not hands to resolve conflict. Benjamin will recieve reward and praise for showing this behavior. I have placed fun sings up around the house to help him with this!
I also have started having regular visits from Madamme Vanier Child Mental Health Services in our home. I have enrolled in their Intesive Family Service which allows a child counsellor into our home 2 or more times if need to observe and offer parenting strategies to assist us in helping Ben learn to cope with his anger management. Our counceller will also likely visit the school to observe Ben there as well.
Lastly we have started Ben on a drug called Strattera which is designed mainly for children with ADHD, but has shown to help improve the "rage" in children with ODD. Ben has been taking Strattera for approx 6 week now, and has been a full clinical strength for approx 2 (18mg) I am seeing small improvements in him, for example his rage episodes are fewer and are not as long maybe 20 min for him to work through, whereas before it could be up to an hour or more. Small things that before would trigger an episode now do not on his good days. I also see small improvements in his affection and a slight improvement in his caring for others. He has a number of time come up unprompted and hugged me and told me he loved me. This is so nice!
I am also currently looking into something I stubbled upon last night in my research that link Ben's bedwetting, griding of his teeth (horrible), racing heart beats and ODD to an overactive parasympathic nervous system. Not sure if this will give me any answers but we shall see.
This brought tears to my eyes when I read this because it puts into words the way I think Benjamin feels....when I ask him why he acts the way he does the only way he can describe it is "my brain tells me to" or "I don't know Mom, I can't control it".
I am finally getting to reading a much talked about and referenced book "The Explosive Child"
by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. I am only on the third chapter and I am very impressed and intrigued to keep reading. He describes our son Ben to a T..and has examples of how other parents feel, that describe the agony the guilt and utter frustration that has left me zapped of all energy. I can see that I am not the only one that feels buried under the speculation, and scrutinay of the masses that Ben's behavioral issues are as of a result of poor parenting, when in reality he is a special needs child that has not learned the same coping techniques others have at this age to deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
As one parent says " I hate what I've become. I used to think of myself as a kind, patient, sympathetic person. But my child has caused me to act in ways in which I never thought myself capable. I'm emotionally spent. I can't keep living like this, I feel alone."
I also feel as this mother did, that at times I feel guilty because alot of the time I really don't like my son, nor what he is doing to our family, we are feeling like we are walking on egg shells waiting for the next crisis to happen. Always in a "perpetual state of crisis
Chapter 2 is entitled "Kids Do Well If They Can"
The basic premise to this chapter is that if a kid COULD do well, he WOULD do well.
The most importanT thing you can do to help your explosive kid to be less explosive is to understand why he's explosive in the first place.
Interesting it states not to put alot of faith in phychiatric diagnosis. While a diagnoses can help certifiy that there is something different about your kid, labelling Ben as ODD doesn't help you identify the thinking skills he is lacking that I could be teaching, or the problems that are underlying your child's explosions that I could be helping him solve.Ben isen't explosive all the time, only sometimes under certain conditons, because he doesn't have the skills to deal well with the demands that are being placed on him.
So the FIRST STEP in achieving success: is accepting that if Ben COULD be more flexible, handle frustration more adaptively, and solve problems more proficiantly, he WOULD.
SECOND STEP: Identify the specific lagging skill and unsolved problems that are setting the stage for explosions in Ben.
All convential explanations and parenting skills need to be put on the shelf. A new plan needs to be made, but we got some figuring to do first......I can't wait for the next chapter!
So the past few months have been very challenging with Benjamin and his behavior. I have been very involved with the school advacating for Ben and ensuring he is being viewed as a special needs child. I have had to have him changed to a different class for this last symester to hopefully keep him away from other troubled children he was friends with. I also have enrolled him in a program at the school called STEPS, this is a program run to help children learn how to manage their anger in a more appropriate way.
The main strategy we are working on at school and at home is remaing "COOL" and using words not hands to resolve conflict. Benjamin will recieve reward and praise for showing this behavior. I have placed fun sings up around the house to help him with this!
I also have started having regular visits from Madamme Vanier Child Mental Health Services in our home. I have enrolled in their Intesive Family Service which allows a child counsellor into our home 2 or more times if need to observe and offer parenting strategies to assist us in helping Ben learn to cope with his anger management. Our counceller will also likely visit the school to observe Ben there as well. Lastly we have started Ben on a drug called Strattera which is designed mainly for children with ADHD, but has shown to help improve the "rage" in children with ODD. Ben has been taking Strattera for approx 6 week now, and has been a full clinical strength for approx 2 (18mg) I am seeing small improvements in him, for example his rage episodes are fewer and are not as long maybe 20 min for him to work through, whereas before it could be up to an hour or more. Small things that before would trigger an episode now do not on his good days. I also see small improvements in his affection and a slight improvement in his caring for others. He has a number of time come up unprompted and hugged me and told me he loved me. This is so nice!
I am also currently looking into something I stubbled upon last night in my research that link Ben's bedwetting, griding of his teeth (horrible), racing heart beats and ODD to an overactive parasympathic nervous system. Not sure if this will give me any answers but we shall see.
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