My Golden Girl

I looked back over my blog and noticed something....I always write about my son. While Ben does occupy most of my time and energy, I do want to talk about my sweet little Olivia.

She is such a sweet girl, well natured and so easy going most days! I often take this for granted, and at times I feel guilty for that. I need to take some lessons from her, she is so patient and caring and she puts others needs ahead of her own. She has taken so much abuse from Ben, and yet still looks up to him with the most innocent eyes.  She is so responsible for her brothers as well, very sensitive to their where abouts and well being.

I love my little Golden Girl, and she loves me unconditionally. I wish I could give her more attention then I do, she thrives on it! She loves to be held, hugged and snuggled with every chance she can get! I feel that I have cheated her out of to many of those moments.As a Mom of a special needs child I think that maybe a normal feeling, but I am always feeling like I could be doing more.

I look at her and I see so much of myself, she truly is my daughter...she may not look like me, but she certainly has the same sensitive personality, and cries a the drop of a dime. I sure hope this serves her better then it has me over the years. 

I love my sweet Olivia, and I can't wait to see her everyday!



My toothless one!

Tomorow is a New Day

So here we are nearing the end of 2011...it's November. A month that see's the beauty of fall and the shimmering flakes of the first snow, it's filled with the playful laughter of children in the leaves and rolling that first snowball.
I am looking at this month as one would look at the next day....tomorrow is a new day....this month is a new month full of new days that will hopefully lead to many more.

My last post was written at the beginning of 2011, Ben had been experiencing a very successful year at  Westfield Public School.  He continued right through to the end of that school year with little to no problems socially or academically. He was a very confident, happy successful child with a few behavioural oddities that were manageable.

The summer months Ben played outside nearly everyday. We have become the central "hub" for the neighborhood kids, every day we had comings and goings and Ben loved it!  He had few issues over the summer, and for the most part his outbursts and oppositional behaviour was manageable.

As the new school year approached Ben's didn't seem to bothered by Westfield closing and Harrisfield being his new school. He did however redevelop his tick in his neck again, only noticeable my those who know him best, showing that he was feeling anxiety at some level.

September-to current has been a huge challenge. The start of the school year for Ben and Isaac was incredibly difficult. 
Isaac took 2 full weeks to adjust to being without Mommy...he begged me everyday not to leave him, tearing at my clothes and clawing at the windows as I walked away.  It was he hardest thing I've ever had to do for such a long period of time. However happy to say he is doing well, and actually looks forward to going to school everyday!

Benjamin however has completely fell back into the behavior that we experienced in Grade 1.  He is uncontrolled, disruptive, disrespectful, oppositional to authority, unable to calm. We have calls from the school near every day, and he is removed from his classroom nearly everyday so the teacher can continue her lessons.
We are currently reassessing his medication therapy, and have chosen to start a new drug call Vyvanse. Here is his journey so far as I am trying to journal it from the day we took him off Stattera to the day he began Vyvanse and his day to day forward.

Thursday, October 27^th

First day off Strattera

At school:Teacher reported behaviour good in morning, but fell apart in afternoon. Very disruptive, unfocused.  Unable to reign in from silly behaviour.
At home: Ben behaved well, did not notice any disruptive or oppositional behaviour. Did see an increase in emotion, easy to upset, and explosive in his response to questions.  Felt that Cameron and Trevor were excluding him and treat him like that “every day of his life”.
Went out for dinner, was able to sit well behaved-occupied with DS.
Was not able to cope with threat of not getting a flashlight...instant OMG yelling.
Insists on always getting his way and being first.

Friday, October 28^th
At school:Teacher reports Ben did not behave well in morning, very disruptive mimicking other children. Unable to focus. 
If she ignores his behaviour it gets worse, if she speaks to him to stop his behavior he ignores her and continues.  He had to be removed from the class and do school work in learning support room.  He works well when he is being instructed one on one, but is not able to do in group setting, as he feeds off of other misbehaved children, Mason for ei.
I suggested eliminating group time in desks setting, and she said is unable to set up desks that way as she needs carpet time (again group instruction time?)
She said her class runs better when she has EI full support, but divided support does her no help. I suggested that I come in and help in the classroom every day to help support her...she said I am welcome to come in and observe?  I suggested an abbreviated school day for Ben keeping him only for his core subjects....she will talk with Principle about her options.
At home: No change in usual behavior, disobedient. Needing constant reminders to complete tasks. Emotional response to discipline

Saturday October 29
At home: During bath time in the morning we had some trouble. Sensitive to “dirty tub” refused to get back in tub until it was emptied and thoroughly washed and rinsed…yelled for 5 min straight that he will never get back in that tub (a bit of poo from his bum resulting from a faulty wipe) after several attempts to get him back in the cleaned tub he finally agreed.
Then refusing to wash his hair, it’s been a week since he has washed his hair, and argues with me about how I am to wash his hair and what is acceptable….(mommy has a temper tantrum, and forces a hair washing not acceptable to him, as the arguing got to be to much) removed him from the tub and asked him to take a time out to settle down and I would do the same.
After this incident Ben behaved for the rest of the day with the occasional irritation to his siblings, he tends to like doing repetitive things like sounds, hums, songs and will not stop until he gets a negative reaction and even that sometime will not stop the behavior.

Sunday October 30,31^st
At home: Ben not having any problems. Asked if he feels any different by Nanna since being off pills. Ben said he feels “calmer”???  Said he has trouble behaving in class because he has to many friends and can’t handle it?
Noticeable behavior difference, hugging and snuggling on couch. Seems to get my hyper active in evenings.
November 1-9th
Ben's behavior continued to get worse, at school as well as at home....extreme reactions to discipline, irritable, unable to focus on one task from start to finish. Very disruptive in school..received calls from school, and to call teacher after school.

November 10^th
After completing the Acters profile for Dr. Carson is was clear that Ben is ADHD and ODD with Social Adjustment Disorder.   His results showed low to nearly off the chart indicator's to the above diagnosis. Doctor suggests change to new medication Vyvanse- this is a stimulant drug that has great results for children with Ben's symptoms.
Ben started Vyvanse today on 20mg's, he is to be on this dose for 14 days and then will be increased to 30 mg's.
-side effect's-extremely emotional, he begged me not to send him to school. He refused to enter the school, and teacher had to “wait” for him to be ready to enter school. Once in class he asked to work alone in the hallway.  He did not feel like being around the other children. When I went to pick him up at lunch he started to cry immediately.  I attempted to bring him back to school in the PM, however Ben could not control his emotions. I couldn't leave him crying, I just couldn't do it, so I brought him home to ride out the 1^st day symptoms. He continued emotional most the day until about 4pm. 
-noticed emotional state ended at 4pm approx. And he became increasingly anxious and found it difficult to contain his energy....the drug was wearing off
-bed time 8pm..after reading for about 30 min Ben was unable to go to sleep...I asked him to read some more..10 pm still unable to sleep...Ben fell asleep for 1 hour around 12:00 am. At 1am he woke up and did not go back to sleep.

November 11^th
Ben did not sleep the night before, but did not seem to be tired at all. Eyes wide open!  I gave him medication at 7:30am. Ben seemed to take the medication better with no emotional instability! Seems very reasonable and in control.
Elevated obsession with Minecraft (computer game) seems to think about only this most of the time..talks about it and is very involved during play....thinking this might be Hyper focus???
-notice lack of appetite
-went to school in the PM and had good success, was told by teacher that he had a good day. He earned 4 stars on his reward chart! (out of 7 stars for the afternoon learning block) was able to work in class for most of afternoon
-drug seemed to wear off around 6:30ish, showing signs of irritability...over reactions to Olivia taunting him, he made a bad choice and kicked her in the face “kicked her on purpose, but accidentally in the face”, also seemed very hyper during a family game of Monopoly Jr. But was able to complete game with little prompting or irritation
-had a little trouble settling for bed, but was able to fall asleep by 9:30

Reflections

Wow, I can't believe we are well into 2011 already, February 1st! I reflect on last year with a sense of relief that it's over, and look to this coming year with anticipation.

This past year we started the year in one place and ended up in a totally different place. This time last year we were living in London, I was working full time and trying to care for our ever demanding young family. Ben was continuing down a very emotionally destructive path and was showing little to no improvement even with therapy from local child support counsellors.

Mid spring my grandmother past away, this was a great loss to the family and she will be missed, her passing however led to huge life changing decisions that led to me quiting my job of 10 years and moving to Ingersoll into her home that had come for sale through the estate.

As noted in previous blogs, Ben has improved..the smaller school has really made a difference in him. His teachers have even said that he is a different student now then when he began! That alone makes everything else worth it!

So here we are..now we have a brand new year full of new challenges and changes to face together. What will life throw at us??? Hopefully all good things!

At the moment I am spending my days caring for the children, this is a full time job in itself.

Soon however my unemployment will be running out, and I am facing another possible life changing decision. I have the opportunity to go back to school with the government retraining program. I have to get more details on the program, but it presents a great opportunity to get into a new career path. However here lies the problem....I don't know what I would like to study...I have spent my whole life NOT planning a career, or even thinking about college...I really have no interest in it....but how do I not take advantage of this???

Another decision would be sending my baby Isaac to school in September...this would be the all day everyday program...this would also involve taking a bus to and from school...this makes me sooo nervous. He will only be just turning 4...just a baby in my opinion.

I was not planning this at all...I was just going to stay at home and be with the children..even if in school, being available to pick them up when they were sick...or for lunches..home for the holidays or even having the option of keeping Isaac at home for an extra year. Perhaps doing daycare in the home or even start regular auxiliary pioneering were some of the plans I thought of...I am so undecided..I wish there was a clear direction for me or someone could just tell me the right thing to do.....grrr.

SPENT

So we are spent...and here our the results of our labor! We still have lots left to do, but short of being spent out of energy..we are also spent out of cash. But I think we accomplished allot in the budget that we had.

We were able to re carpet and paint our upstairs two levels, completely renovate our kitchen, and lower bathroom, we also bought a new snow blower and vacuum dishwasher and microwave.

All we need to complete in the kitchen is the backsplash and a few finishings.

The rest of the house will just have to wait, but here are a few before and after photos.

New Beginnings

This new school year has given Ben a fresh start on his view on education. He is loving his new school, his teacher and some new friends. I am so glad that we made this move to Ingersoll. He is attending a much smaller school, Westfield Publc School. Unfortunatley it's set to close next year and the children will be bused to a school currently being renovated to house more students. I pray that Ben will cope with that change as well as he has with this one.

He actually is enjoying going to school, not making up excuses or challenging me every morning when it's time to go.

He also has made some good friends, and has nearby Quinton (bestest cousin ever!) to play with, so he actually is not sitting in frount of the TV playing video games all day! Fresh air and a little freedom, being able to ride his bike!

I would also like to think that the security of knowing I am home and not at work helps him to. Knowing if he needs me I am only 5 min away! He is also able to come home at lunch time, this gives him a much needed break before heading back for the afternoon.

Recently we also got a kitten! I was a little unsure about how Ben would treat her, but he has been ever so gentle. I have to remind all the kids actually to be gentle...she is a living breathing animal, not a stuffed toy! The called her Whiskers and I love her!

So we have seen big improvements in Ben's behavior, only brief moments of unreasonableness. He still has a tick that shows up when he is feeling stressed, but generally that has disappeared. He is commenting alot about noises bothering him..almost to the point of driving him to madness at times, it makes him mad if the noise continues even if it's as simple as his sister singing...if he wants it to stop she must stop! He still requires things to go his way or no way, and has little room for comprimise, however this to comes and goes depending on his mood.

Recently we met with Vanier phycologists to recieve the report on their assesment of Ben. They saw him over a period of 4 sessions of about 2 hours in length....during this time they have questionairs they fill out..they play games and make him draw pictures to judge his emotional state.

The assessment revealed that Ben has a very low self asteem, he feels very anxious about the future. He doesn't think he is smart, has friends. He scores mid to high on their depression chart.

They feel he has a mild form of Chronic Depression called Dysthymia, which is a depression that last at least 2 years, those that suffer from this often feel irritable, lack abitliy to consentrate, have low energy, low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness. They generally feeling blue or depressed most of the time.

I do agree that Ben suffers from a mood disorder, as he is often very down feels hopeless. He feels most of the time that the world is against him and there is no point in trying. He has extreme highs and lows sometimes within hours..at times though he can go weeks doing very well with little problems. But then we will have a very difficult few weeks or months.

I also believe that Ben has a behavioral disorder...if it's Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ADD...or a combination of both..I am not sure, but in order to have that diagnosed it means starting the process all over again with a phyciotrist..which takes more time...and possibly money....so for the time being we will continue on the road we are leading right now..and hopefully maturity will help.

My little Miss Olivia started in SK this year and she is loving it! Not a single tear, and she runs to get in line when the bell rings to start the day! She is in half day every day in the afternoon. It works well with Ben coming home for lunch, then we just all walk back for the afternoon. She has made some great new little friends and is always telling me great storys!

Isaac is home with me for one mre year, next year he can go to JK if I choose, we shall see. It will be the all day everyday program at Harris Hieghts. This also will involve a bus..not sure if I am ready to see my baby go off all day...although some quiet time with no kids is tempting.....we shall see.

Updates

So I have been waiting and waiting since last October for a refereal to a Phycologist for Benjamin. I finally recieved the initial paper work for his assessment. Our first appointment is July 15th when just the parents will meet with our Phycologist to talk about Ben and his needs. He is being accessed for his Emotional and Social development.

I am really nervous about this whole process, just simply because after the parents meet with the phycologist she then meets with Ben alone for a few times.

I fear the answers Ben may give, but at the same time may give us a better understanding of the way he views the world....

In the meantime I have given my notice for quiting my job at Bell. I have worked there for 10 years now. Although the environment is very stressful, there are aspects of the job I will miss, especially the friends I have come to know over the years. Thank goodness for Facebook!

I will be done work as of the 23rd of July. We then move the following weekand on the 31st.

So many big changes ahead, I do hope that it's not to much of an upset for Ben. He really has trouble to big changes in his life, and this although in the long run is the biggest change we could make I am hoping it will help him!

I will keep updates as to our progress with the phycologist.

Out with the New and In with the Old

So typically it's Out with the Old and In with the New...but in our case it is just he opposite! We have decided to purchase my Grandmothers home in Ingersoll! It's about 40 years old compared to our current 6 year old home. Are we crazy? Some might think so..however I think we are making the right decision for us at this stage in our life.
Our children really are the most Important thing in our lives, and by simplifying to a smaller fixer upper is affords me to be able to quit my job of 10 years!
It's a real leap of faith, as that means we will be relying completely on Jeremy's income, and any spare or part time job I may pick up, but I truly think this is what is best for our children.
We will be in a smaller town, close to family and old friends. I am really looking forward to the change in pace.
City living has changed so much in the past 10 years that we have lived here, I have always been a country girl at heart so I am really happy to leave London behind.
Of coarse we will miss all the dear friends we have come to know here in London, but Ingersoll is only a short drive away!