Daddy

I wanted to dedicate this post to my Dad. He is currently in the hospital recovering from Valve Replacement Surgery to his Heart, and is not recovering as quickly as expected. He has been in ICU for nearly a week now, when other patients would be on their way home by this time in their recovery process. Unfortunately Dad has developed several Pulmonary Embili, so has had to be put on blood thinners fearing additional clots traveling that could lodge in his heart. We are also hoping and praying that he doesn't begin to have internal bleeding, as both conditions could be fatal.

It's times like this that has you reflecting on the wonderful man that he is, and how empty our life would be without him.  He truly has been a wonderful Father, that would do anything for his Family.
I would like to jump up in his bed and snuggle down with him like I used to as a child, I remember the sound of his heart beating when I would lay my head on his chest watching tv, with his big arm draped around me. But with so many machines he has hooked up to him, I can barely get near to kiss his forehead and hold his hand.

It seems like yesterday that he was dancing with me at my wedding, holding my hand through the pains of labor, and being one of  the firsts to hold my babies.

I know that Dad will pull through and will be ok, it's just so hard to see him like this.  I love him so much, and I know that he loves us as well. When he was just coming out of anesthetic and barely able to speak, he was able to muster up the ability to tell us all he loved us.

He is one amazing Dad.   Butterfly Kisses

Perfect

So here is another piece of writing that I've been working on. I hope it helps those who read it understand what it's like to have a child with emotional disabilities.Unfortunately many fail to look at Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiance Disorder as disabilities, but rather something that can be handled by discipline and a change in diet. Please if you read this blog, also read my previous poem called "The Monster Inside" as this Disability is as real as any other.

Perfect

His first breath, first cry, first glance up into my eyes,

His first suckle, his first cuddle, these are the bonds that ties,

His ten little fingers, and ten little toes,

Cute little button nose.

How I love each part of you,

I stare at you day one day two,

Perfect in all that you do.

The first little giggle,

Rolling over with a wiggle,

Soon you will crawl,

I think I am going to bawl,

Is that your first tooth?

He’s been so hard to sooth.

Please don’t cry,

Mommy’s going to try.

To be perfect in all I do,

When it comes to raising you.

His first words, his first steps,

His first fall, when running down the hall.

He’s so upset, I cannot stop the tears,

Is he frustrated, upset or is this because of fears?

I try to help, make things right,

But now he’s trying to bite.

I try to keep him safe from harm,

Don’t want him to break an arm,

While he throws his little body into the walls,

Drags his forehead while he crawls,

Is this normal, is this right?

It’s just his personality, he’s alright.

You’re my perfect little man,

You’ll grow out of this I know you can!

The doctor says no problems, nothing’s wrong,

Like other’s his age, he’s growing up strong.

Children are all different, develop in their own way.

Don’t worry everything will be okay.

I remember those words and think of them every day,

But deep inside I wonder,

Keeping notes and I ponder,

That I may need to prepare,

For challenges to beware.

He sleeps through the night,

He always has until it’s light,

He wakes and demands to wear all his ties,

One will not do, or he gets tears in his eyes.

Then we must find him his rubber balls,

Look everywhere, put out the calls,

One in each hand, never will he part

Or he will cry like I’ve broken his heart.

Don’t worry son, I will take care,

To keep a good supply, as rubber balls aren’t rare!

I think to myself, this may be odd,

But he’s still perfect even though a little flawed!

As days turns into months and then to years,

There seems to be more anger and fears,

Temper tantrums turned to rage,

Not like other boys his age.

Needing things a certain way,

Especially when and how to play.

What he’ll eat and how it’s prepared,

It must be perfect, nothing can be compared.

He’s so impulsive, fearless and untamed,

Always feels he’s free from being blamed.

I’m being told he isn’t right,

Even though he is quite bright!

Is this just behavioral or something more?

Is my parenting very poor?

What should I do, where should I go?

How can this be?

Why did this happen to me?

Could my child have special needs?

I’ve done the research, and yes indeed,

He has something called ADHD, struggles with ODD.

The doctors access and they’ve agreed,

Perfect I say, now let’s start a plan

I promised him I would do all I can.

To give him every chance in life,

To live his days with little strife.

I am so proud of my little man,

He is so brave, I am his biggest fan.

How I love each part of you,

PERFECT in all you do!

I Do Not Know

So here I sit, another sleepless night. The kids are tucked in sleeping, and the sounds of my husband's snoring fills the air. Most nights I look back on the day and although I feel relief that the day is over, I feel somewhat assured that I have done a good job, and that all my efforts have not been in vain....but tonight I can't say this.
I feel so overwhelmed with confusion, I feel such a responsibility for the way my children turn out that I  wounder if I am steering them wrong.  All that they do lately is fight and yell and scream and cry. My efforts to regain the peace between them usually ends up in more fighting, yelling, screaming and crying, but usually involves one more person...me!  I don't know what I am doing wrong..my day is spent trying to keep the peace and keeping everyone happy. Lately it seems like it's having the opposite effect.
The stress of everyday life is getting to us all, but mostly Jeremy.  He has been working long stressful days to provide for us and to allow me to be a stay at home mom, I really admire and appreciate his dedication to his family. So when he comes home from work I want it to be a peaceful, relaxing evening for him, but instead it usually is the opposite. When he finds more comfort alone in our bedroom with the door closed rather then with us it makes me feel like a failure.

What more can I do? I do not know...How much more can I give?....I do not know....Can I do better???...I do not know....but tomorrow is another day, and I will try again, and again, and again cause that is what a Mother does....

The Bully

So this past week our school took part in Anti Bullying Week. The whole week was focused on this not being tolerated or accepted. We were encouraged to stand up to bullying, and were taught what to do in the case where we are being bullied or see someone else being bullied. We all took a Pledge and signed a paper committing to this.
So with that in mind, I was really not happy when Ben came home with 2 accounts of being bullied this week.
One of the incidents occurred on the playground and the other on the bus, and I am very proud of the decisions Ben made, as the outcomes could have been much worse.
The first occasion was a conflict with another child on the playground. The children like to play a game called Beyblades, which is a spinning top like game. Ben traded tops with another boy on the playground, who after playing a few spins broke a piece off of the top. He insisted that Ben trade back the top he just broke. Ben was co operative and traded back the tops, leaving him with the broken piece. Then the boy got up, kicked the arena and broke it as well and walked away.
I was really unhappy to learn that Ben had been a victim of bullying, however so happy that Ben didn't "strike" back, he handled himself really well.
The next day on the bus ride home, the younger brother to the other child already mentioned lost his temper with some girls that were sitting behind Ben. This boy started threatening Ben with a fist saying that he needed to bring a knife to school and stab those girls with it...Ben seeing how angry this boy was, didn't know what to do. He felt threatened, and yet out of the concern of others agreed to the boys demands just hoping to calm him down, then turned to the girls being threatened and told them that he would never do that, he just lied to the boy to calm him down.
This is not the first time this young boy has threatened with a knife, and so out of the concern for our children and his I HAD to call the Principal of the school. Bullying cannot be tolerated, no matter the age of the children involved. These two boys have serious problems that needed to be addressed, so I hope that it is.
In both cases though Ben did not over react and was able to think through whatever emotions he may have been feeling and he made good decisions. I was so proud of him, and made sure I told him so!

FYI

So this past week has gone very good with Ben. His emotions seem to have levelled out, as he is not crying as easily. His appetite is being greatly effected, often he only eats a few small items each meal. He also is having trouble getting to sleep at night, usually not getting to sleep until 11:00 or later.
His teacher has said he is much better then he was prior to Vyvanse, however still has silliness at times and needs to be told to settle down. However I am not getting the sense from her that he is as out of control as before....it sounds to me that he has the silly time but is able be brought back to task in a reasonable amount of time. So that is definitely an improvement.

I do have a new concerns though that I have seen in the past few days. I am beginning to see a bit of his rage return...out of control anger. Twice in that past week he has lost control and kicks and screams and destroys belongings as a result to being punished. I am unsure as to if this is because this new drug focuses more on his ADHD and less the ODD? As the old drug I found helped with his ODD and less the ADHD.  Every drug has it's strengths or what it works best for, so if this problem continues we may need to address this later on...perhaps in some further counselling on anger management??? Something I am definitely going to keep my eye on.
But in the meantime I am happy that he is more successful at school, I think any silliness he is displaying is more what a typical 8 year old would be displaying. Although there is a place and a time to be silly, I think he will never be the perfect quiet kid in the corner, and I am happy that he's not!

Family Dinner November 2011

So this years fall dinner was a great time! The kids all recieved presents from Nanna and Pappa. A suit or dress and a toy! The boys got remote control cars and Olivia a Lite Bright. Ben said it was the "best day of my life", so funny!

We took our annual picture of the kids, I love this tradition as it shows how the kids grow and change over the years!

And of coarse the food is delish!

Cinderella

So the long awaited day has arrived! I was able to go with Ben to go see the Theatre production of Cinderella, and it was fantastic.  Everyone enjoyed the show, even Ben, although he did loose interest towards the end and fell asleep..lol!