Reflections

Wow, I can't believe we are well into 2011 already, February 1st! I reflect on last year with a sense of relief that it's over, and look to this coming year with anticipation.

This past year we started the year in one place and ended up in a totally different place. This time last year we were living in London, I was working full time and trying to care for our ever demanding young family. Ben was continuing down a very emotionally destructive path and was showing little to no improvement even with therapy from local child support counsellors.

Mid spring my grandmother past away, this was a great loss to the family and she will be missed, her passing however led to huge life changing decisions that led to me quiting my job of 10 years and moving to Ingersoll into her home that had come for sale through the estate.

As noted in previous blogs, Ben has improved..the smaller school has really made a difference in him. His teachers have even said that he is a different student now then when he began! That alone makes everything else worth it!

So here we are..now we have a brand new year full of new challenges and changes to face together. What will life throw at us??? Hopefully all good things!

At the moment I am spending my days caring for the children, this is a full time job in itself.

Soon however my unemployment will be running out, and I am facing another possible life changing decision. I have the opportunity to go back to school with the government retraining program. I have to get more details on the program, but it presents a great opportunity to get into a new career path. However here lies the problem....I don't know what I would like to study...I have spent my whole life NOT planning a career, or even thinking about college...I really have no interest in it....but how do I not take advantage of this???

Another decision would be sending my baby Isaac to school in September...this would be the all day everyday program...this would also involve taking a bus to and from school...this makes me sooo nervous. He will only be just turning 4...just a baby in my opinion.

I was not planning this at all...I was just going to stay at home and be with the children..even if in school, being available to pick them up when they were sick...or for lunches..home for the holidays or even having the option of keeping Isaac at home for an extra year. Perhaps doing daycare in the home or even start regular auxiliary pioneering were some of the plans I thought of...I am so undecided..I wish there was a clear direction for me or someone could just tell me the right thing to do.....grrr.

SPENT

So we are spent...and here our the results of our labor! We still have lots left to do, but short of being spent out of energy..we are also spent out of cash. But I think we accomplished allot in the budget that we had.

We were able to re carpet and paint our upstairs two levels, completely renovate our kitchen, and lower bathroom, we also bought a new snow blower and vacuum dishwasher and microwave.

All we need to complete in the kitchen is the backsplash and a few finishings.

The rest of the house will just have to wait, but here are a few before and after photos.

New Beginnings

This new school year has given Ben a fresh start on his view on education. He is loving his new school, his teacher and some new friends. I am so glad that we made this move to Ingersoll. He is attending a much smaller school, Westfield Publc School. Unfortunatley it's set to close next year and the children will be bused to a school currently being renovated to house more students. I pray that Ben will cope with that change as well as he has with this one.

He actually is enjoying going to school, not making up excuses or challenging me every morning when it's time to go.

He also has made some good friends, and has nearby Quinton (bestest cousin ever!) to play with, so he actually is not sitting in frount of the TV playing video games all day! Fresh air and a little freedom, being able to ride his bike!

I would also like to think that the security of knowing I am home and not at work helps him to. Knowing if he needs me I am only 5 min away! He is also able to come home at lunch time, this gives him a much needed break before heading back for the afternoon.

Recently we also got a kitten! I was a little unsure about how Ben would treat her, but he has been ever so gentle. I have to remind all the kids actually to be gentle...she is a living breathing animal, not a stuffed toy! The called her Whiskers and I love her!

So we have seen big improvements in Ben's behavior, only brief moments of unreasonableness. He still has a tick that shows up when he is feeling stressed, but generally that has disappeared. He is commenting alot about noises bothering him..almost to the point of driving him to madness at times, it makes him mad if the noise continues even if it's as simple as his sister singing...if he wants it to stop she must stop! He still requires things to go his way or no way, and has little room for comprimise, however this to comes and goes depending on his mood.

Recently we met with Vanier phycologists to recieve the report on their assesment of Ben. They saw him over a period of 4 sessions of about 2 hours in length....during this time they have questionairs they fill out..they play games and make him draw pictures to judge his emotional state.

The assessment revealed that Ben has a very low self asteem, he feels very anxious about the future. He doesn't think he is smart, has friends. He scores mid to high on their depression chart.

They feel he has a mild form of Chronic Depression called Dysthymia, which is a depression that last at least 2 years, those that suffer from this often feel irritable, lack abitliy to consentrate, have low energy, low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness. They generally feeling blue or depressed most of the time.

I do agree that Ben suffers from a mood disorder, as he is often very down feels hopeless. He feels most of the time that the world is against him and there is no point in trying. He has extreme highs and lows sometimes within hours..at times though he can go weeks doing very well with little problems. But then we will have a very difficult few weeks or months.

I also believe that Ben has a behavioral disorder...if it's Oppositional Defiance Disorder or ADD...or a combination of both..I am not sure, but in order to have that diagnosed it means starting the process all over again with a phyciotrist..which takes more time...and possibly money....so for the time being we will continue on the road we are leading right now..and hopefully maturity will help.

My little Miss Olivia started in SK this year and she is loving it! Not a single tear, and she runs to get in line when the bell rings to start the day! She is in half day every day in the afternoon. It works well with Ben coming home for lunch, then we just all walk back for the afternoon. She has made some great new little friends and is always telling me great storys!

Isaac is home with me for one mre year, next year he can go to JK if I choose, we shall see. It will be the all day everyday program at Harris Hieghts. This also will involve a bus..not sure if I am ready to see my baby go off all day...although some quiet time with no kids is tempting.....we shall see.

Updates

So I have been waiting and waiting since last October for a refereal to a Phycologist for Benjamin. I finally recieved the initial paper work for his assessment. Our first appointment is July 15th when just the parents will meet with our Phycologist to talk about Ben and his needs. He is being accessed for his Emotional and Social development.

I am really nervous about this whole process, just simply because after the parents meet with the phycologist she then meets with Ben alone for a few times.

I fear the answers Ben may give, but at the same time may give us a better understanding of the way he views the world....

In the meantime I have given my notice for quiting my job at Bell. I have worked there for 10 years now. Although the environment is very stressful, there are aspects of the job I will miss, especially the friends I have come to know over the years. Thank goodness for Facebook!

I will be done work as of the 23rd of July. We then move the following weekand on the 31st.

So many big changes ahead, I do hope that it's not to much of an upset for Ben. He really has trouble to big changes in his life, and this although in the long run is the biggest change we could make I am hoping it will help him!

I will keep updates as to our progress with the phycologist.

Out with the New and In with the Old

So typically it's Out with the Old and In with the New...but in our case it is just he opposite! We have decided to purchase my Grandmothers home in Ingersoll! It's about 40 years old compared to our current 6 year old home. Are we crazy? Some might think so..however I think we are making the right decision for us at this stage in our life.
Our children really are the most Important thing in our lives, and by simplifying to a smaller fixer upper is affords me to be able to quit my job of 10 years!
It's a real leap of faith, as that means we will be relying completely on Jeremy's income, and any spare or part time job I may pick up, but I truly think this is what is best for our children.
We will be in a smaller town, close to family and old friends. I am really looking forward to the change in pace.
City living has changed so much in the past 10 years that we have lived here, I have always been a country girl at heart so I am really happy to leave London behind.
Of coarse we will miss all the dear friends we have come to know here in London, but Ingersoll is only a short drive away!

Perfect Pose

So the kids are officially enrolled in the East London Soccer club. I am happy we got them involved this year in sports, as Ben really needs to learn to get along with others and desperately needs exercise!


It hasn't been easy though with our work schedules getting home, getting a quick bight to eat in soccer uniforms and out the door for games that start at 6:00pm.
Also most soccer night we do not get home until 8:30 as the kids don't play in the same age group so often play at different times.
Very tiring as this is usually done twice a week if we can make it.

But it's for the kids right? LOL!

Step by Step

So I've read from cover to cover the "Explosive Child" that I spoke about in a earlier post.
It is pretty much spot on in describing Ben and his behavior. It points out something that I have been saying for a very looong time, that using Sticker Charts, Rewards and Circumstance Disipline does not achieve any desired result in these children, in fact often causes an already escalated situation worse.

So how do you teach a child right and wrong behavior?

Well it has helped me first Identify that Benjamin has what is called "Lagging Skills" skills that help him deal with flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving.
I went through a list and rated Ben on a scale of 0 1 2 3 representing Never/Sometimes/Often/Always and here are the results

1) Difficulty handling transitions shifting from one mindset or task to another-3-
I rated him a three as often Ben has extreme trouble shifting gears, it takes time for him to leave behind the thoughts of the video game he is playing, the TV show he is watching, he becomes so involved in that world that to shift him out of "play" mode into sitting still immediately for dinner, or to hurray up and get ready to leave...or even to go to bed, often ends up in explosive behavior...as we are expecting him to be able to put what he is doing down immediately and "Do as he is told"
2) Difficulty doing things in logical sequence or prescribed order -1-
I rate him a one simply because he doesn't seem to be obsessed about a certain order things should occur. He does at times show that he expects exact answers when he is asking "When can I?" or "how long before we can?" no vage answer like "in a little while" or "soon" will suffice..and if you give him a time he expects you to stick to it or often he will get upset.
3)Difficulty persisting on challanging or tedious tasks -3-
Ben often gives up very easy when he isen't the best or number 1 at something. If he is finding it challanging even a little he gives up and says it is to hard or impossible. For example riding his bike, he is 7 and yet has been able to get past the frustration to learn this skill.
4)Poor sense of time -0-
Ben shows no signs of this being a problem, actually really the opposite..he is very aware of time.
5)Difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously -2-
When speaking with Ben you often need to be very specific about what you need him to remember, often he "forgets"
6)Difficulty maintaining focus -2-
As long as it is one thing at a time he seems to focus well, except at the end of a school day or long day it is very difficult to keep him focussed on anything.
7) Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem -3-
With Ben is typically is his way or the highway, not usually open to options
8)Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, thoughts in words -1-
Often Ben gets very frustrated when asked how he feels, however as long as he is not in the heat of the moment you can often have a heart to heart with him.
9)Difficulty understanding what is said -0-
He understands however I can talk till I am blue sometime and if he not receptive at that moment he won't hear you.
10)Difficulty managing emotional response to frusration so as to think rationally-3-
This is a HUGE PROBLEM for him, when he is frustrated and is raging he is not rational at all
11) Chronic irratablitly and or anxiety significantly imedes capacity for problem solving or heightens frustration -3-
Ben is always irratable, it's like walking on egg shells.
12) Difficultly seeing "greys" black and white thinking -2-
Ben doesn't understand any answer that begins with Maybe, or perhaps-he wants to know the exact answer as to where, when, why..
13)difficult deviating from rules, routine -0- If anything Ben is always breaking the rules and challenging routine as much as possible.
14)Difficult handling unpredictabilty, ambiguty, uncertainty -0-
15)..shifting from original plan -2- if we tell Ben we are going to do something with him and due to circumstances we can't honor it, Ben has a very difficult time understanding and coping with a plan change.
16)Taking into account situational factors that would suggest a need to adjust a plan of action -2- same as above
17)Inflexible, inaccurate interpetations/cognitve distotions or biases (eg. everyone is out to get me, nobody likes me) -3- To Ben the world is always out to get him, thinking he has no friends or everyone at he school was picking on him, when in reality he has lots of friends and perhaps one single person made a comment that he felt was inaccurate to him he is being picked on.
18)Difficulty attending to or accurately interpretting social cues/poor perception of social nuances -2- Ben is very akward in public relations, and seems very unaware of acceptable behavior
19)Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people/lacking other basic social skills -2- Similar to above, but worse when it is in group settings, Ben tends to either withdrawl completely or becomes an irritant to everyone
20)seeking attention in appropriate ways -2- Ben always seems to seek attention in inappropriate ways, doing things in what seems to be just to get a reaction
21)Difficulty appeciating how his behavior is effecting other people -3- Ben has no concept of what this means
22)Difficulty empathizing with others appreciating another persons perspective or point of view -3- Ben does not sympathize with anyone or anything and has no abilty to see another point of view...his way or the highway
23)Difficulty appreciating how he is coming accross or being percieved by other -3-Ben does understand this concept it all about him and doesn't understand that he is not acting "normal", yet he can clearly pick out another childs imperfections.

So this scoring simply helps me understand him a little more and perhaps help me change my approach to him. Once I understand his lagging skills we can then tackle Problem solving differently.
We are a work in progress and perhaps with a little more understanding and successful drug treatments (Stattera) we all might have a happier child and home life.