No More Tears

Miss Olivia has been known for her emotional side. Just like her mother she has a flare for the dramatic. I truly understand what it feels like to be so overwhelmed with feeling that all you can do is sob until there are no more tears.

However.....knowing when the tears have run dry, and being able to turn the emotions down seems to be a challenge for my daughter. I've noticed this for some time, but like my son before her, you just hope that they will grow out of it and listen to every ones  advise telling you that it's normal for little girls to cry.

About two years ago I went to my Family Doctor and expressed my concerns about her behavior. It was a short visit as he also dismissed it as being normal "girl" behavior. All other aspects of her health and well being were in order, so I went home determined that it must just be that, and perhaps a discipline problem. I set out on a mission to put into place a reward system to help curb bad behaviors. The idea was to try and reward good behaviors by working on different household issues one at a time....

 The kids would work each day to earn a sticker and would work towards small prizes and Mom bucks...at the end of the week they could cash in or save another week for a bigger prize.
 
Eventually within about a month the children would loose interest and would start expecting their rewards without actually doing to work...or should I say the behavioural changes I was looking for. So this ended with little change to any emotional or explosive behaviours I was trying to change.

About another 6 months went by and Olivia's excessive crying became more noticeable to others. It would happen outside of the home, in public or at friends and families homes.  She also started having what appeared to be anxiety attacks. It would start with her crying about something that had happened   that day or that a friend had showed her like a scary picture or story...this would turn into her being unable to breath...and bring her to being nauseous and afraid to be alone.   I often would have to sleep with her overnight to get her to sleep at all.  What at first was just once in a while, turned into every night. I was sleeping in her bed more then I was my own.

I once again went to my doctors and told him what had developed and was dismissed once again, he said that at her age the "big wide world" comes crashing down into their backyards and especially with technology some children have a hard time dealing with it. I was told to limit her TV time and screen time on the Internet if not all together, and introduce her to books again. I was also advised that because of her approaching age, her hormones may be starting to effect her and causing her to feel a bit unbalanced.
I really stressed to him how I felt that it was something more, I insisted I be referred to my son's paediatrician. I would not accept being told that her behaviour was normal...I was living with it, not him...I was seeing her fall to pieces every day over the simplest stress in her life.

Soon after I was sent the acceptance package from our paediatrician, and was booked an appointment. We visited her office and gave her an overview of the past year, good and bad. She listened to me explain Olivia's extreme crying, her anxiety issues and sleeping problems. I told her all that I had done to try and sooth her and help her cope...but to no avail. I was there for help.

Stunned!

Remember when I said that there was little to no progress with Ben....remember when I said that he struggles with Apologizing?
Today was the day I've been waiting for...the day I've been praying for! I am so proud of my boy!

Even though the situation at first he was extremely frustrated and lashed out, he was able to recognize the need to go and calm down!  PROGRESS!!!!!

What happend was his cousin was over for a sleepover and it was time for him to go home.  One reason was because I was sick, and the other because the two boys were getting a bit carried away and I had had enough...so it was time to bring Quinton home.  Well these reasons were not good enough for Ben, as it never is.....he never except anything unless it makes sense to him, and Mom and Dad simply having enough is not it....so after a screaming event that included the cherished words "I HATE YOU"...seems to be the go to these days...some throwing of articles and punching of some walls and slamming of doors....he grabbed his scooter and HELMET...yes helmet without being told...this to is PROGRESS!!! He left....

I didn't speak to him the whole time he was ranting...didn't even ask him where he was going....mistake ....I was hoping not.

15 minutes went by and he came back...walked in the door and said "Sorry Mom for the way I behaved" .......what....I was shocked...but very pleased! I told him thank you for the apology, and asked him where he went...."Places...I just needed to calm down Mom"

This is such a huge day for Him....He recognized the need to calm down....facilitated that need and did something that helped him achieve that goal....then came home and Apologized!!!!!!!!

This is such progress I can't even tell you!   And then if that wasn't enough, tonight after watching a movie together he reached over gave me a hug and said "goodnight Mom, I love you"

WOW....I am one happy proud Mom.

Moms Know Best

There really is so much to say, I feel a bit over whelmed in not knowing exactly where to start. I am also feeling so small in this world to think that my thoughts matter enough to put down in words. But here I am, tapping away on the keyboard once again.
I guess the best place to start is to talk breifly about Ben and how he is progressing. The simple answer is...very little change. I think really we've got Ben to where the only thing that is going to change is maturity. With maturity he will learn how to better manage his Asperger traits. Those being a tendancy to blame others for any and all problems that arise. Being quick to anger and lashing out without stopping to question the intentions of others. Being very possesive of his things, and not willing to share. He will always struggle in these areas and will always have difficulty in certain social situation where he is not in control. He thinks very logically, however it's Ben's logic which sadly is not always reality.
I can however say that the pasts few years he does manage his outburst with greater control as they typically do not last that long. He also is a bit less impulsive, thankfully as his interests have ranged from high risk, endrenalin rush sports like Parkor and Pro Scootering, and most recently Skatboarding. He tends to be a bit more cautious then he ever has been, this is definately improved!
He also has had some shining moments where he is able to express to me his feelings, says he understands mine and others but just doesn't know what to do about it. That gave me great insite into his mind!   He just doesn't know what to do about it!
I love Ben to bits, even though he has been a great challange to me, and I am sure will present many more, I am very proud of our journey together.

Next I wanted to talk about is a new journey that I am on, and that is a treatment plan for my Daughter Olivia.
There is so much to say, I will do my best to sum up what's been happening without leaving out improtant details.
Olivia is now 10 years old and is a beautiful, loving and caring young lady. She is sensitve and loves to laugh and have a good time with her friends! I love her to the moon and back and take every opportunity to tell her so!
Reeently however she has started acting differently....or maybe not neccessarly different but more extreme in her ranges of normal emotion. She has always been a cryer, as most little girls are...and to be honest I am a cryer so it comes as no surprise she is as well. However it became ever clearer that this wasn't normal amounts and frequentcy of tears most would see out of a little girl her age. It seemed constant and never ending...over the smallest things she would fall apart to the point I would have to comfort her by stroking her back and holding her tight continuously for up to an hour or more. She would cry so much it would bring her to vomitting.
Also she would for no reason start to have panic attacks, shortness of breath, light headedness and feelings of nausea. Often I would ask her what is wrong and she would pick some random event that happend days ago that she now had become focussed on and panic stricken over. She also had a unreasonable fear of needles from the doctors...even saying the word would make her nearly faint. To our household its now referred to as the N word.
After a few attempts at explaining this behaviour to my Family Doctor, I was finally able to convince him this wasn't normal little girl behaviour...that she wasn't just being dramatic and attention seeking. Either that or he was just tired of hearing about it, and agreed to refer me to the same pedestrian that
treats Ben.
This paediatrician is an expert in her field of work, and that is working with families of high needs children. I fully trust her and will forever be grateful to her for the way she has helped me with Ben and his needs. I don't know where I would be without her!
Anyways I explained to her the different issues I was having with Olivia. She felt that Olivia could definitely   need some help dealing with her anxiety. She gave me some coping techniques and some parenting tips to help curb some of the other things that looks like behavioural issues. But started medical treatment of Prozac to help her get control of her emotions and anxiety. I agreed to disagree however on her accessment that the other issues we were having were just behavioural....I told her that a Mother knows...and there was more to this then that. But would be happy to start with that!

So I will leave this entry at that, and continue another night....but remember Moms know best!

Summer Days-Written Summer 2013

Found this post under unpublished files! Some funny moments!

These days I have been finding great little moments, in the time my kids spend caring for toads they find in the yard. Each summer they find little garden toads and care for them and play for them. They assign them names, build little houses for them and collect food on a daily basis for their toads.  Yesterday one of the toads laid an egg sack. This completely made their day!  Isaac was certain that he facilitated the mating grounds for the two toads. In fact he explained in detail how he put the two toads on top of one another so they could mate...LOL.  Oh my I couldn't keep my composure as he gestured what the toads where doing as they mated. 
What makes this oddly funny, is that I do not believe toads even mate in this way. I think they lay an egg and the male fertilizes it? So how my 6 year old knows about this particular mating method I find a bit bothersome. Oh heavens.

Another funny thing that happened today is just a small moment, but makes me giggle. It was during supper tonight. We were eating a easy meal of mash potatoes, corn and some premade ribs I heated up. Isaacs favorite! He calls it Chicken on the Bone, so I just call it that as well when preparing it and eating it!  Olivia asked, what kind of meat is Chicken on the Bone? I tell them it's pig.  Olivia gets totally grossed out, says "pig ribs? I'm eating pig ribs?"  Ben says "but it has the word chicken in it?" totally straight faced and serious as he often is, takes things so literally and has a hard time understanding sayings that twist words or mean something else....I of coarse trying not to laugh explain that it really is pork, but we just call it Chicken on the Bone cause that's what Isaac calls it. Ben again says, "but why call it chicken, it's pork?"  ......oh gesh...lol!

I also wanted to just update the blog on what we have done the past two weeks, we went to a pig roast at a friends house here in town. It was a really rainy day, but we all seemed to find somewhere to keep dry, and the kids had a blast playing with friends. It was really nice, as we met and reconnected with others we haven't seen in years! Olivia is really getting social, and it makes me so happy that she is connecting with girls. I really hope this continues, as I never had a best friend growing up and it wasn't nice being the odd one out.

We also went to the drive in to see a double feature with the kids. We brought our blankets and pillows, and our sneaky snacks. It was a lot of fun and I think the kids will really remember this family night! The movies we saw were Turbo and Grownups 2. The second movie was not really a great choice for children, was really hoping they would have been asleep before that one played, but no such luck. Oh well, in reflection the kids only recall the funnier moments that were actually funny and appropriate.

We've been to fireworks on the Beach in Port Burwell, which is always a magical night and a family event! Kids play on the beach for hours before the fireworks set off over the water. We love going every year!

Kids also enjoyed swimming in a old Quarry pit that has been made into a local swimming hole for the community in St. Mary's. It's a bit intimidating as there is no shallow swimming, just about a 15-20 foot deep. There is a large diving board and cliff jumping. Such fun!

This week I took the kids crayfishing in a local creek.  We stopped at the dollar store, picked up some nets, put on our rubber boots and brought a BIG pail. We caught at least 100 of the weird little creatures. Before we left we dumped them all back in the creek for another day. It's a great time that is free entertainment! Sometimes these simple things are what the kids love the most!

Isaac's soccer team made the playoffs, so we cheered him on in the finals this weekend! It was loads of fun, we really got into it like competitive soccer parents! I was very impressed with the skills these little ones have. Isaac especially is a really great little defence player. He had a great time, but was really tired by the end of the two back to back games he played.  In the end his team placed second!

Jeremy took the kids to our local fire hall for their 100 year celebration of fireworks. I was unable to go as I had to work for my parents while they are away. I am disappointed I missed it, as I was told they were the best fireworks they have ever seen! I am glad that Jeremy was able to do this with the kids though, as I feel that I get to do a lot of the fun things with them during the week while he works.

Today we went to another movie. It was a cold miserable day for August, and the kids were bored as was I.  So I decided to take them to see Smurfs 2.  It was an ok movie. The kids enjoyed it, so that's all that matters.

So we have had an okay summer this year, haven't been able to take any big trips with the kids, but I hope they will look back on this 2013 summer and say they had a good one!

Let's Chat

Wow, I can not believe its been two years since I posted anything on my blog! I guess life just became so overwhelming, that to stop and put it down on paper for even just a moment would confirm to me that I was living reality and not what seemed like some crazy dream....A dream you would tell your therapist!!!!! So many times I would be asked why I wasn't writing anymore...and I had no answer but just simply that I am tired!
I imagine anyone who is raising a child with "High Functioning Autism" would understand! Sometimes you are just through talking about it all, because there is nothing that is going to change it,  fix it or make it better!
That being said, maybe somewhere along the way blogging gave me a bit of an outlet. Perhaps hope that someone out there was reading my thoughts and relating to them, and finding comfort knowing they aren't the only one...or who thought, hey my child is exactly like that...perhaps??? And looks for some guidance and help for their child.

So here I am blogging again, I will provide updates and experience regarding my son and our struggles with dealing and living with Aspergers! I know there are great days and not so great days so I will share them as I can!

I will also start blogging about my daughters journey, recently diagnosed with ADHD. I will start a new entry to talk about her journey to diagnosis...but that will be another night as I am tired and need to get sleep!!!

Goodnight and we'll chat again soon!

Why say Sorry?

Today I struggled with this very thing, to say Sorry. But it wasn't my personal struggle it was my son's. Saying sorry is so hard for him, not only does it require social interaction, but it means he must understand that he is wrong, and that he has hurt someone's feelings or even physically hurt them.

Lots of Asperger's kids have a very hard time with apologies. They won’t apologize unless they feel genuine remorse — and because they often don’t understand others or pick up on the feelings of others, they never do feel true remorse.

 I recently read a comment from an Aspie adult that said, "getting a child to understand remorse or to say and apology with sincerity would be nice, but if he shows the proper actions and makes amends, does it really matter if he did it from remorse or because he logically knows it’s the appropriate thing to do."

So should I really get upset when Ben refuses to apologize? Should I spend hours trying to tell him how remorseful he should be? Or teach him the right facial pulls to make when apologizing to make it appear that he is remorseful?

He never feels he is wrong, even when he has hurt someone it's not his fault but theirs for getting in his way. He always feels justified for hurtful things he says. Doesn't think his comments are hurtful, he is just telling the facts.

Big sigh.....so LOGICALLY the appropriate thing to do is to apologize. I will need to work on this with him.

Today he needed apologize two times, the first time because he kicked a girl during a game they were playing. It was part of the game, he didn't do it vengefully, but playfully. He just got carried away. Logically he felt he did nothing wrong. He refused to say sorry, in fact it took him "sleeping on it" and a threat of grounding for him to write an apology. He wrote it instead of a face to face.
Secondly, he impulsively jumped off a play set without looking and landed on the head of our neighbor who wasn't looking out and walked in the way. Ben said sorry initially, but when asked later to go check on his friend to make sure he was ok, and to apologize again, he didn't see the point and refused to go. He said he" already said sorry twice today, and wouldn't do it again," and blamed him "for not looking out, he got in the way so it was not my fault."

Emotionally Ben didn't connect in both cases, it was only logic that made him and prevented him in saying sorry because it was the right thing to do.

Asperger's Syndrome

Anyone who knows our family knows about our journey with our son Benjamin.  If you read some of my past blog entries you can get a feel for the journey we have taken over the past 10 years in getting him properly diagnosed.

To those that have a child with Asperger's Syndrome, they know that it's on the Autism Spectrum. It a high functioning disorder that effects a child's social behavior the most. But in it's early stages it presents itself as behavioral and leaves even the professionals not knowing what could possibly be wrong with your child. There are no medical tests that can be performed, just questionnaire's, social and academic testing and observances that is used to determine if a child is on the spectrum. So when a child is very young these test cannot be preformed, and so you will likely be told a variety of different things to explain your child's behavior.  At first your doctor will just brush it off as the terrible twos, perhaps blaming teething or other environmental reason for your child's unsettled behavior, he is healthy and making all the milestones a child needs to make, so there is no need to worry, just a phase they will out grow.

 Once your child starts school and they do not want to participate in group discussions or activities, or cannot seem to pay attention to subjects that do not interest them. They will be called lazy, or even disruptive, doesn't take direction well. They will get in trouble for refusing to stay in line, or wait their turn. Cannot play well with others, prefers to be alone, over reacts when doesn't get his way.
This begins the phase when your child is called ADD or ADHD or ODD.  With this period there are decisions to be made that very hard. You will be strongly encouraged to seek medical help, and also referred to services in the area that can help you cope with the stress of raising a child with high needs. We were strongly encouraged to medicate our child by the school system. At this point we were in grade 1, and Ben was causing such disruption in class that I was being called on a weekly sometime daily basis, to come to the school to help calm him down or to just bring him home.  He was enrolled in all school programs to help children with high needs. STEPS was one that teaches children to make well thought out decisions when dealing with conflict among peers, and how to play with others and how to use your words not hands.  He was also included in a morning group the school called the SUPER HEROS group, where the children where given a chance to calm down in a quiet setting with other students by talking about how they were feeling or the goings on of the morning. This was done before students continued on with the day in their regular classrooms with hopes of giving the children time and space to calm. All these efforts proved to help little in his behavior. 
During this stage we also saw him dwelling on topics of interests for an extended period of time, and asking lots of questions about that topic.  We had the school physiologist visit Ben weekly because there were concerns of his obsessions regarding death, as his grandmother had passed away and as this was a new experience for him, he thought about it a lot.

We also had the local child services group involved, we had a weekly visit by a case worker that would come into our home to provide support to Ben and myself. Giving me tips on how to deal with his outburst of frustration and anger. The psychologist from this facility also interviewed Ben, and determined in her opinion that he was dealing with  Depression. She felt that he struggled with low self esteem but that this would likely pass as he grew up.

We felt our life was spinning out of control. Not knowing what to do next, and having exhausted all avenues of help and support. We decided to try medication, hoping for some relief from his outbursts and unreasonable behavior.  The school also said that they would not be responsible for the quality of his education should we choose not to medicate, as we were not bringing our child to school in a state that was open to learning. I felt that was a unfair statement to make, however I thought long and hard and understood the root of that  statement, I knew that it was true.  So this began our long and continuing medication trial and error process. And to be honest of all the medications he has tried and we have had to stop because of side effects, the only one he has been on that has helped with little side effects is STRATTERA. It has provided the relief we needed from the outrageous behaviors that would cause such stress on the family. It calmed him, and he became more manageable. And allowed him to be able to function at school with fewer disruptions. However, that being said, we still saw other behaviors now surface that we could not see before because of the behavioral problems.

As a mother you know your child, and I knew that there was always a missing piece to the puzzle when it came to Ben.  He exhibited behaviors that could not be explained by the ADHD diagnoses. He was obsessive, explosive, avoided groups, had sensitivities to specific clothing items, food items and how they were cooked, and excelled in technology.

Examples of these behaviors starting from 10 months...He would cry explosively as a baby for no reason and nothing would sooth him, he would throw his body into furniture or the wall, he was obsessed with his ties and rubber balls and had to wear and hold them at all times.  He excelled at video games and always has.  He avoids groups and always was reported to be playing alone at school, and if he did play with others there were always problems.  There has always been a concern in how he speaks to adults, he doesn't look at adults in the eye. He takes all that is said very literal, and rarely laughs at jokes. He controls all situations to the way he feels comfortable or he will not participate. He shows sensory sensitivities with socks...if they don't "feel" right he will not wear them. If his mattress isn't "feeling right" he will change beds or even sleep on the floor if that is what feels right to him.  He avoids situations when there is a boy that he isn't familiar with.  He also has no fear or thought out plans when he plays, he often does things that are dangerous and impulsive, all because he feels like it, so he does it. He also shows a lot of anxiety that comes out in the form of ticks. The source of this is unknown.

So with all this evidence and more, I sought out a new pediatrician, was then referred to another psychologist  and finally I received the diagnoses we had been needing. It explains so much about Ben. It will never change who he is, nor is there a cure for it. But it has led to better understanding, and has opened up a whole new avenue of help from the school and social system. We receive funding from the government under a disability tax credit and monthly allowance, and we also have a new Occupational Therapist that will be working with Ben for up to a year through the school!.

So in writing this long post I hope that it might help someone out there that is starting out this same journey. Knowing that you are not alone in this, somehow helps. Above all I encourage all parents that have a high needs child, to advocate for your child because they cannot for themselves. If you do not they will never get the help they need.  Above all recognize that your child has a disability, its hard to do, but once you accept this the sooner they can get the needed help. Telling yourself that he or she is just a little bit eccentric or making excuses for their odd behavior isn't helping your child.  I found this the hardest thing to do. But once you do, it really makes such a difference in how you feel about yourself, and your child.