Why say Sorry?

Today I struggled with this very thing, to say Sorry. But it wasn't my personal struggle it was my son's. Saying sorry is so hard for him, not only does it require social interaction, but it means he must understand that he is wrong, and that he has hurt someone's feelings or even physically hurt them.

Lots of Asperger's kids have a very hard time with apologies. They won’t apologize unless they feel genuine remorse — and because they often don’t understand others or pick up on the feelings of others, they never do feel true remorse.

 I recently read a comment from an Aspie adult that said, "getting a child to understand remorse or to say and apology with sincerity would be nice, but if he shows the proper actions and makes amends, does it really matter if he did it from remorse or because he logically knows it’s the appropriate thing to do."

So should I really get upset when Ben refuses to apologize? Should I spend hours trying to tell him how remorseful he should be? Or teach him the right facial pulls to make when apologizing to make it appear that he is remorseful?

He never feels he is wrong, even when he has hurt someone it's not his fault but theirs for getting in his way. He always feels justified for hurtful things he says. Doesn't think his comments are hurtful, he is just telling the facts.

Big sigh.....so LOGICALLY the appropriate thing to do is to apologize. I will need to work on this with him.

Today he needed apologize two times, the first time because he kicked a girl during a game they were playing. It was part of the game, he didn't do it vengefully, but playfully. He just got carried away. Logically he felt he did nothing wrong. He refused to say sorry, in fact it took him "sleeping on it" and a threat of grounding for him to write an apology. He wrote it instead of a face to face.
Secondly, he impulsively jumped off a play set without looking and landed on the head of our neighbor who wasn't looking out and walked in the way. Ben said sorry initially, but when asked later to go check on his friend to make sure he was ok, and to apologize again, he didn't see the point and refused to go. He said he" already said sorry twice today, and wouldn't do it again," and blamed him "for not looking out, he got in the way so it was not my fault."

Emotionally Ben didn't connect in both cases, it was only logic that made him and prevented him in saying sorry because it was the right thing to do.