Super Moon

It's glaring down on me right now through my front window as I write, the Super Moon. It's so beautiful in the dark black sky. Tonight there isn't even a cloud, just the brightness of the moon lighting up the night. The beauty of creation, there are no words to describe the awe and reverence you feel when you look at the glory of it.

It really makes you think about life, when you see the stillness of the night sky, the beauty of creation. It puts things into perspective almost as much as a slap in the face.  We are cared for so much by our heavenly Father. Though we struggle to get through each day, he sustains us. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

I look back over the past few days, and I feel so blessed to have had some time to breath. I feel like I can start again, just like the fullness of the moon.

However I know, as sure as the moon begins another cycle, I will have days ahead that feel just like the moon in its different stages, from full, to half and even down to a sliver barely holding it's place in the sky, and me to sanity. This is something I have come to expect, the different phases of raising a young family.  The hard part is remembering that when things are at their worst, and I am feeling like I am holding on by a sliver, that there is relief around the corner. It may not be as glorious as the Super Moon in the sky tonight. But it will surely come, in some way. Tonight it comes in this moment of reflection, preparing myself for the next few days, maybe weeks ahead.

I will continue to follow this cycle until I am standing,  looking up at the nights sky with my children feeling as glorious as this Super Moon in the fullness of perfection, that will never come to an end!

Livin on a Prayer!

This is just a quick note tonight as I am just heading to bed at 1:33 am, and realized that I hadn't written today. 
I wanted to say how nice it is when our neighbours take turns with me entertaining the children in the area! 
Olivia spent the afternoon across the street with a girl and some other friends around their backyard pool! She had a great time, and it game me a break!

Ben and Isaac spent some time with Trisha for a few hours so I could get a bit of shopping done. It was so nice not to have any children with me for a few hours! I was able to find a few nice things for myself.

Once I got home from shopping Ben went with our neighbour swimming in Dorchester at the public outdoor pool.

As I have written lately, our relationship with our neighbors isn't always that great, so when things are going well it's a relief! It's so nice to get a break for even just a short time, it makes a big difference in the day!

So tonight I celebrate me time! I don't get it often but this week seems to be offering me a chance to take it, so I will!

Tomorrow I will be heading to Detroit with Jeremy to see Bon Jovi! I am very excited as I have been a fan for a long time! Especially in the 80's. I hope he plays a few of his classics, but either way, it should be a great time!  We are even staying overnight and getting in some shopping the next day as well, before we head back home. 
So I may not have a chance to write a blog tomorrow night, but will certainly have lots to say Friday night when we get back!

Sunny Days

I haven't written then past few days, I've been to exhausted mentally to write a post....but here I am back to have a moment of gratitude for the blessings in  my life. I have to admit, tonight I'm not in the greatest of moods to have this moment, as it's been a bad evening. My moods been much like a roller coaster this week, and with that comes a low tolerance for the annoyances that come with raising "active" children.
But really when I put things into perspective I realize that we have had a busy few days together. I really think its just exhaustion that is creeping its way into the atmosphere of the "evening hour," that glorious hour when the kids seem to come alive and become extremely hard to manage.

Our past few days have been action packed, with temperatures reaching a blistering 30 degrees Celsius with a humidex reading of nearly 40, we found our way to a public swimming pool in Tillsonburg, called Lake Lisgar Water Park. It has a big water slide, wading pool area with splash pad features, and large blow up equipment for the children to climb on. With lots of sunscreen on we splashed away the afternoon!

 
After this we had some free movie passes, so we headed over to Woodstock theatres to see Monsters University!  The kids loved it and I actually did to!

The following day we made our way up to our favorite beach, Port Burwell! My Mom and Dad and sister Trisha are camping there at the provincial park. It's so beautiful there...I can't wait until I can enjoy spending more time there camping as a family...for now I am just able to handle day trips.
We had some great fun in sun down on the beach and came home with to much sun on our cheeks and shoulders. But it was worth every second. The kids love the water, and playing in the sand.

Today we stayed at home, I stayed in bed as long as humanly possible with 3 kids running around the house, I was so exhausted. I had cleaned the night before for my parents. They take care of the floors at the local grocers. So after a long day at the beach, I swung a mop for a few hours. Didn't get home to put my feet up till after midnight. I am happy to help though so they can have a few days of rest and relaxation!
After I got up and fed everyone a late breakfast/early lunch I brought the kids to the community swim here in town. It was lovely. Wasn't to many kids there, and because it was indoors I didn't have to lather them in sunscreen. Perfect! A major inconvenience of summer if you ask me...

So I guess we have had some pretty fun days together, with only a few months of Summer we need to take in as much as we can!  The children however do suffer from a lack of sleep, staying up past their bedtime of 8:00 really takes a toll on them, as a result children were very unsettled tonight. This is why I started this post negatively, being  physically tired, and then mentally and emotionally exhausted, this can be to much for me to handle. This leads me to feeling negatively and thus makes seeing the silver lining hard to see, but looking over the past few days I have a lot to be thankful for. Writing it down reminds me that this moment of feeling like the world is crashing in on me is just a moment, and that the bigger picture is bright and beautiful!

Put a Sock in it!

Today was another good day! Nothing eventful happened, so I am very grateful for this! I was able to get some overdue painting done, and even got to watch a movie of my choice today on Netfilx! The children played outside most of the day, and everyone got along! Not even one fight! Again I recognize this as something to celebrate!
This evening I got my hair done, and came home and had a Blizzard with Jeremy.  Oh dear....this needs to stop!  Summer is so hard for me to keep weight off!  I tend to eat when I am stressed. Summer is very stressful for me.  I also do not get to go out walking like I do when the kids are in school. This is starting to get to me, as I can feel it starting to creep back up.  Note to self...stop eating.
I did want to share a funny story about Ben that happened earlier in the week. It really demonstrates the way a Sensory Disorder works.
Ben has always been sensitive when it comes to his feet. He is specific when it comes to the kind of socks he wears. If they are too loose or too tight or the cotton isn't soft enough he won't wear them. So we found a brand of socks he likes from Walmart, and he always wears them without problem. I even send him an emergency pair with him to school in the event he has a problem at school and needs to change his socks.
Well the other day we were getting ready to go for a nice walk, and even a visit to the corner store for a treat.  We were all ready to go and I hear Ben crying uncontrollably in his room. I go upstairs to find out what is wrong. He can't find a pair of socks that "feel" right.  He says "my socks are attacking me".  I point out that these are the same socks he wears everyday...he insists that he needs new socks as they are just not right and are to sharp and not soft enough.  I suggest several pair, and none are good enough.  I suggest wearing flip flops, but he refused. 
So we didn't go anywhere that day as a result of this, which didn't go over well with Olivia and Isaac.
Later that evening we had plans to go out, so I gave Ben a heads up that we were going to have to find some socks for him to wear. We started with a pair I had given him earlier that day when he was upset, and told him these were the newest of all his socks.  It was so funny, he took them from me, smelt them, rubbed them on his cheek and then pronounced "Yup, that's good cotton!" and put them on.
I am not sure what made the difference from the morning to the evening. But it shows that if it doesn't feel right to a child with Sensory Issues, believe them. The child is not making it up. Our pediatrician said that for the majority of people it is a minor annoyance when something doesn't fit quite right or a tag is scratching us, but to a person with Sensory Disorder it's like wearing sand paper on your feet and being forced to keep them on all day.  Unimaginably distracting, and annoying, and even painful.
So this is something that I have to remind myself of, every time Ben has a reaction that is hard to explain or doesn't make sense.  He can't help the way he is feeling, nor can explain it...he just knows it's not right. Finding the patience and the flexibility to deal with it, is the hard part.

I am grateful however that we finally know why this happens, and we are learning to cope.

Won't You Be My Neighbour?

Today was a good day! I am taking time to recognize this before I write my post for the day! The weather was good, and the kids got to play outside. It really makes such a difference on all our moods with fresh air coming in the windows, and the summer sun shining down on our faces! Even my cat was running from window to window taking in the breeze and watching all the birds flying by playfully!

With the good weather comes kids playing in the streets and in each others backyards and each others houses. I enjoy listening to them play, hearing their laughter and watching their imaginations bloom!
But with the good does come the bad, and without fail there is going to be tears, as they all need to get used to each other again after the snows melts, and they emerge from the winter months.

Last week we had our first of what I am sure will be many fights with the neighborhood children, that spilled over to the parents. A fun game of tag turned into a dare game... the girls...vs boys, and that the girls would do what the boys said and then in the return. 

Of coarse at the heart of the problem....my Benjamin. The girls were told that they would be kissing the boys if they got tagged....Ben however felt that one of the girls was told  that he was in love with her....he freaked out and told the boy who said it to take it back or he would tell a hurtful secret that he knew about him...the boy refused and ran in the house.

Sure enough as has happened before, I receive a call from the Father's boy, saying the Benjamin threatened with "Blackmail" if his child didn't do what he wanted, and that this kind of "regime" was unacceptable. In shock of what Ben was being accused of, I simply said I would talk to Ben about it and would certainly ensure he new it was not ok to threaten anyone.

After I got off the phone however, I was not a happy Momma Bear!  I tried to control my feeling of outrage and hurt, but I just couldn't and felt that our neighbor had crossed the line.  In fact his son was the one that was in the wrong and that my child with AUTISM was doing the only thing he and ANY child would do after being embarrassed in front of a girl and other peers.  So I marched over to his house...and although I was emotional, I asked to speak with him.
I expressed how I felt, that after 4 years of getting to know our family and our child, I would hope he would know how hurtful calling Ben a blackmailer and a regime ruler would be.  That he being a 10 year old boy with a social disorder, would not have the careful planning ability to blackmail,..nor would he even know what that was...ridiculous. If anything he was reacting to the situation his child created.
We talked things over and agreed that at times we as parents over react, and that we need to ensure we maintain a good relationship with open communication. After all, this isn't the first nor will it be the last time our children will say or do something inappropriate, as they are children.  I am so tired of reminding adults of this.

So Mr. Rogers neighbourhood? Not even close.

Daily Struggles

I am going to try and write each day this summer, even if they are short posts. But I want to try and remember all that I've done and accomplished, even the little things. I guess this will perhaps become a gratitude journal??? I have trouble seeing the forest through the trees at times, so perhaps writing each day might help me "celebrate" each day we get through.
But I am not going to sugar coat anything, because sometime what happens in the coarse of the day isn't always worth celebrating, but maybe if I write about it I can perhaps work through it better.

So yesterday was July 10, and my baby of the family Isaac was 6 years old! I can't believe it! He is getting so big, even if he still sucks his thumb! I really would like to see him stop this habit, but at the same time, as he is my baby I find myself reluctant to begin weaning him off. This is the last thing that still makes him not just my youngest but my "baby'! Selfish? maybe...but just a little bit longer won't hurt? He is such a sweet boy too, a beautiful caring personality. He is a refreshing change, as I don't find him at all needy or high maintenance. He is perfectly happy just playing by himself with his cars, and rarely complains unless his siblings are bothering him.
I love this little boy, and can't wait to see the man that he grows to be!

I of coarse can't get through a day without incident. I really don't know what was the cause of this outburst, but often that's the case. When it comes to Benjamin, it's often unknown what the cause of his anxiety is, but when it's sensory based that is often the way it is.
So here it goes...
The kids are starting to settle into summer holidays, and are starting to get on each others nerves. Fighting is a daily staple here. I often try and stay out of it, as I believe kids need to learn to work things out themselves. But often it escalates to "hands on" behavior, and that's when I need to step in.

Ben started hitting Olivia in the head with Pillows from the sofa, possibly to fulfill a sensory need, but also possible just to annoy his sister. She asked him several times to stop and he wasn't hearing her or reading her behavior to understand to stop. She started to cry and came and got me.  When I talked to him about it, I approached him calmly...I asked him why he didn't stop, and he said he didn't know it was bothering her.  I tried to tell him that when someone starts crying and tells him to stop he must respect that.  He suddenly became very angry and kicked my cupboard with enough force I am surprised he didn't break it. I raised my voice, and told him that he can't be kicking my cupboards, then he crumbled his snack he was holding all over the floor, while staring at me with a taunting glare.  It's so hard to keep composed and not over react, harder then anything....so with this in mind I told him to go to his room to take some time to calm down.   He refused....I asked again...he refused....I told him to go to his room, or he would have his iPod taken away.  That sent him screaming up the stairs, then he fell to the floor in dramatic fashion in the bathroom. He screamed hurtful obscenities at me more horrible then ever before.......this really is the point of no return, I am cooked no matter what I do....I wish a therapist could live with me to see this unfold, tell me the best thing to do....this behavior is not ok....I grabbed him by the arm and ended up physically dragging him to his room...which is not easy as the kid is 90 pounds of dead weight....I told him to take some time to think about what he just said, I wanted him to pray about it and when he was ready to calmly talk to me and apologize to each member of his family he could come out.....He screamed and broke a toy of his brothers over a period of about 20 minutes.
Then he came out, completely calm and reasonable.....like it was nothing. He listened to me explain to him that it's not ok to use bad language, and we really need to work on that problem together. I explained to him that he would have to clean up the mess he made in the kitchen and would be apologizing to his sister and brother and most of all me.  He complied.

Silver lining? I gained a small victory in that he was able to calm himself down. He did what was asked of him, even though it took some time to get there, he did it.

After this we went to Woodstock to see a movie with my sister Trisha and her kids. This really lifted everyone's mood, and gave us a bit of a relief.

I did notice though that overall Ben was just not having a very good day, struggled a lot controlling his emotions and understanding social queues. He had other incidents throughout the day that included not knowing that he needs to stop and ensure someone is ok after hurting them, and also having another melt down when he felt he was being accused of something he thought he didn't do.

These are areas regarding social behavior that we need to work on with his Occupational Therapist that has been assigned to him through the school, once September comes.

So another day passes, I will put this one to bed...learn from today's failures and rejoice in the small victories.

Puzzled?

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I posted anything on my blog. My intentions have been to keep this blog up to date so that I can look back over time and see how my family and I have changed and grown and developed together.  Unfortunately that hasn't been the case this last year.. Not to say I haven't had lots to write about, with amusing stories that will make you laugh out loud till your side hurts, to stories that would make your heart break. Raising a young family has it's moments, but especially when you have a disabled child. He adds a dynamic to this family that compares to none!

Last I wrote Benjamin had been receiving treatment for ADHD, ODD and OCD. With such came medication, but little overall improvement to many other behaviors that just didn't fit with what the pediatrician was telling me was happening with our child.  It was like there was a missing puzzle piece that didn't quite fit.  This led to much frustration here at home and at school.

So after finding a new pediatrician, who sent us to a physiatrist, we received an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, this is on the spectrum of Autism. This was September of 2012! I am so relieved to finally have a accurate diagnosis. It has led to Ben being understood in a whole new light. Now when he acts out, or doesn't react the way that you would expect, or simply says something that seems unacceptable to others sense of social behavior....rather then being judged as a bad child there is patience and understanding and more acceptance.

That's not to say that we don't still have our challenges, and days that I cry myself through it, because I do. I have them a lot. I feel guilt still, and feel like I am not doing enough.  But at the end of the day I do feel a bit more hopeful, a bit more settled knowing that we have finally found that puzzle piece and we are seeing a better picture of what our family looks like with Autism.