No More Tears

Miss Olivia has been known for her emotional side. Just like her mother she has a flare for the dramatic. I truly understand what it feels like to be so overwhelmed with feeling that all you can do is sob until there are no more tears.

However.....knowing when the tears have run dry, and being able to turn the emotions down seems to be a challenge for my daughter. I've noticed this for some time, but like my son before her, you just hope that they will grow out of it and listen to every ones  advise telling you that it's normal for little girls to cry.

About two years ago I went to my Family Doctor and expressed my concerns about her behavior. It was a short visit as he also dismissed it as being normal "girl" behavior. All other aspects of her health and well being were in order, so I went home determined that it must just be that, and perhaps a discipline problem. I set out on a mission to put into place a reward system to help curb bad behaviors. The idea was to try and reward good behaviors by working on different household issues one at a time....

 The kids would work each day to earn a sticker and would work towards small prizes and Mom bucks...at the end of the week they could cash in or save another week for a bigger prize.
 
Eventually within about a month the children would loose interest and would start expecting their rewards without actually doing to work...or should I say the behavioural changes I was looking for. So this ended with little change to any emotional or explosive behaviours I was trying to change.

About another 6 months went by and Olivia's excessive crying became more noticeable to others. It would happen outside of the home, in public or at friends and families homes.  She also started having what appeared to be anxiety attacks. It would start with her crying about something that had happened   that day or that a friend had showed her like a scary picture or story...this would turn into her being unable to breath...and bring her to being nauseous and afraid to be alone.   I often would have to sleep with her overnight to get her to sleep at all.  What at first was just once in a while, turned into every night. I was sleeping in her bed more then I was my own.

I once again went to my doctors and told him what had developed and was dismissed once again, he said that at her age the "big wide world" comes crashing down into their backyards and especially with technology some children have a hard time dealing with it. I was told to limit her TV time and screen time on the Internet if not all together, and introduce her to books again. I was also advised that because of her approaching age, her hormones may be starting to effect her and causing her to feel a bit unbalanced.
I really stressed to him how I felt that it was something more, I insisted I be referred to my son's paediatrician. I would not accept being told that her behaviour was normal...I was living with it, not him...I was seeing her fall to pieces every day over the simplest stress in her life.

Soon after I was sent the acceptance package from our paediatrician, and was booked an appointment. We visited her office and gave her an overview of the past year, good and bad. She listened to me explain Olivia's extreme crying, her anxiety issues and sleeping problems. I told her all that I had done to try and sooth her and help her cope...but to no avail. I was there for help.

Stunned!

Remember when I said that there was little to no progress with Ben....remember when I said that he struggles with Apologizing?
Today was the day I've been waiting for...the day I've been praying for! I am so proud of my boy!

Even though the situation at first he was extremely frustrated and lashed out, he was able to recognize the need to go and calm down!  PROGRESS!!!!!

What happend was his cousin was over for a sleepover and it was time for him to go home.  One reason was because I was sick, and the other because the two boys were getting a bit carried away and I had had enough...so it was time to bring Quinton home.  Well these reasons were not good enough for Ben, as it never is.....he never except anything unless it makes sense to him, and Mom and Dad simply having enough is not it....so after a screaming event that included the cherished words "I HATE YOU"...seems to be the go to these days...some throwing of articles and punching of some walls and slamming of doors....he grabbed his scooter and HELMET...yes helmet without being told...this to is PROGRESS!!! He left....

I didn't speak to him the whole time he was ranting...didn't even ask him where he was going....mistake ....I was hoping not.

15 minutes went by and he came back...walked in the door and said "Sorry Mom for the way I behaved" .......what....I was shocked...but very pleased! I told him thank you for the apology, and asked him where he went...."Places...I just needed to calm down Mom"

This is such a huge day for Him....He recognized the need to calm down....facilitated that need and did something that helped him achieve that goal....then came home and Apologized!!!!!!!!

This is such progress I can't even tell you!   And then if that wasn't enough, tonight after watching a movie together he reached over gave me a hug and said "goodnight Mom, I love you"

WOW....I am one happy proud Mom.

Moms Know Best

There really is so much to say, I feel a bit over whelmed in not knowing exactly where to start. I am also feeling so small in this world to think that my thoughts matter enough to put down in words. But here I am, tapping away on the keyboard once again.
I guess the best place to start is to talk breifly about Ben and how he is progressing. The simple answer is...very little change. I think really we've got Ben to where the only thing that is going to change is maturity. With maturity he will learn how to better manage his Asperger traits. Those being a tendancy to blame others for any and all problems that arise. Being quick to anger and lashing out without stopping to question the intentions of others. Being very possesive of his things, and not willing to share. He will always struggle in these areas and will always have difficulty in certain social situation where he is not in control. He thinks very logically, however it's Ben's logic which sadly is not always reality.
I can however say that the pasts few years he does manage his outburst with greater control as they typically do not last that long. He also is a bit less impulsive, thankfully as his interests have ranged from high risk, endrenalin rush sports like Parkor and Pro Scootering, and most recently Skatboarding. He tends to be a bit more cautious then he ever has been, this is definately improved!
He also has had some shining moments where he is able to express to me his feelings, says he understands mine and others but just doesn't know what to do about it. That gave me great insite into his mind!   He just doesn't know what to do about it!
I love Ben to bits, even though he has been a great challange to me, and I am sure will present many more, I am very proud of our journey together.

Next I wanted to talk about is a new journey that I am on, and that is a treatment plan for my Daughter Olivia.
There is so much to say, I will do my best to sum up what's been happening without leaving out improtant details.
Olivia is now 10 years old and is a beautiful, loving and caring young lady. She is sensitve and loves to laugh and have a good time with her friends! I love her to the moon and back and take every opportunity to tell her so!
Reeently however she has started acting differently....or maybe not neccessarly different but more extreme in her ranges of normal emotion. She has always been a cryer, as most little girls are...and to be honest I am a cryer so it comes as no surprise she is as well. However it became ever clearer that this wasn't normal amounts and frequentcy of tears most would see out of a little girl her age. It seemed constant and never ending...over the smallest things she would fall apart to the point I would have to comfort her by stroking her back and holding her tight continuously for up to an hour or more. She would cry so much it would bring her to vomitting.
Also she would for no reason start to have panic attacks, shortness of breath, light headedness and feelings of nausea. Often I would ask her what is wrong and she would pick some random event that happend days ago that she now had become focussed on and panic stricken over. She also had a unreasonable fear of needles from the doctors...even saying the word would make her nearly faint. To our household its now referred to as the N word.
After a few attempts at explaining this behaviour to my Family Doctor, I was finally able to convince him this wasn't normal little girl behaviour...that she wasn't just being dramatic and attention seeking. Either that or he was just tired of hearing about it, and agreed to refer me to the same pedestrian that
treats Ben.
This paediatrician is an expert in her field of work, and that is working with families of high needs children. I fully trust her and will forever be grateful to her for the way she has helped me with Ben and his needs. I don't know where I would be without her!
Anyways I explained to her the different issues I was having with Olivia. She felt that Olivia could definitely   need some help dealing with her anxiety. She gave me some coping techniques and some parenting tips to help curb some of the other things that looks like behavioural issues. But started medical treatment of Prozac to help her get control of her emotions and anxiety. I agreed to disagree however on her accessment that the other issues we were having were just behavioural....I told her that a Mother knows...and there was more to this then that. But would be happy to start with that!

So I will leave this entry at that, and continue another night....but remember Moms know best!

Summer Days-Written Summer 2013

Found this post under unpublished files! Some funny moments!

These days I have been finding great little moments, in the time my kids spend caring for toads they find in the yard. Each summer they find little garden toads and care for them and play for them. They assign them names, build little houses for them and collect food on a daily basis for their toads.  Yesterday one of the toads laid an egg sack. This completely made their day!  Isaac was certain that he facilitated the mating grounds for the two toads. In fact he explained in detail how he put the two toads on top of one another so they could mate...LOL.  Oh my I couldn't keep my composure as he gestured what the toads where doing as they mated. 
What makes this oddly funny, is that I do not believe toads even mate in this way. I think they lay an egg and the male fertilizes it? So how my 6 year old knows about this particular mating method I find a bit bothersome. Oh heavens.

Another funny thing that happened today is just a small moment, but makes me giggle. It was during supper tonight. We were eating a easy meal of mash potatoes, corn and some premade ribs I heated up. Isaacs favorite! He calls it Chicken on the Bone, so I just call it that as well when preparing it and eating it!  Olivia asked, what kind of meat is Chicken on the Bone? I tell them it's pig.  Olivia gets totally grossed out, says "pig ribs? I'm eating pig ribs?"  Ben says "but it has the word chicken in it?" totally straight faced and serious as he often is, takes things so literally and has a hard time understanding sayings that twist words or mean something else....I of coarse trying not to laugh explain that it really is pork, but we just call it Chicken on the Bone cause that's what Isaac calls it. Ben again says, "but why call it chicken, it's pork?"  ......oh gesh...lol!

I also wanted to just update the blog on what we have done the past two weeks, we went to a pig roast at a friends house here in town. It was a really rainy day, but we all seemed to find somewhere to keep dry, and the kids had a blast playing with friends. It was really nice, as we met and reconnected with others we haven't seen in years! Olivia is really getting social, and it makes me so happy that she is connecting with girls. I really hope this continues, as I never had a best friend growing up and it wasn't nice being the odd one out.

We also went to the drive in to see a double feature with the kids. We brought our blankets and pillows, and our sneaky snacks. It was a lot of fun and I think the kids will really remember this family night! The movies we saw were Turbo and Grownups 2. The second movie was not really a great choice for children, was really hoping they would have been asleep before that one played, but no such luck. Oh well, in reflection the kids only recall the funnier moments that were actually funny and appropriate.

We've been to fireworks on the Beach in Port Burwell, which is always a magical night and a family event! Kids play on the beach for hours before the fireworks set off over the water. We love going every year!

Kids also enjoyed swimming in a old Quarry pit that has been made into a local swimming hole for the community in St. Mary's. It's a bit intimidating as there is no shallow swimming, just about a 15-20 foot deep. There is a large diving board and cliff jumping. Such fun!

This week I took the kids crayfishing in a local creek.  We stopped at the dollar store, picked up some nets, put on our rubber boots and brought a BIG pail. We caught at least 100 of the weird little creatures. Before we left we dumped them all back in the creek for another day. It's a great time that is free entertainment! Sometimes these simple things are what the kids love the most!

Isaac's soccer team made the playoffs, so we cheered him on in the finals this weekend! It was loads of fun, we really got into it like competitive soccer parents! I was very impressed with the skills these little ones have. Isaac especially is a really great little defence player. He had a great time, but was really tired by the end of the two back to back games he played.  In the end his team placed second!

Jeremy took the kids to our local fire hall for their 100 year celebration of fireworks. I was unable to go as I had to work for my parents while they are away. I am disappointed I missed it, as I was told they were the best fireworks they have ever seen! I am glad that Jeremy was able to do this with the kids though, as I feel that I get to do a lot of the fun things with them during the week while he works.

Today we went to another movie. It was a cold miserable day for August, and the kids were bored as was I.  So I decided to take them to see Smurfs 2.  It was an ok movie. The kids enjoyed it, so that's all that matters.

So we have had an okay summer this year, haven't been able to take any big trips with the kids, but I hope they will look back on this 2013 summer and say they had a good one!

Let's Chat

Wow, I can not believe its been two years since I posted anything on my blog! I guess life just became so overwhelming, that to stop and put it down on paper for even just a moment would confirm to me that I was living reality and not what seemed like some crazy dream....A dream you would tell your therapist!!!!! So many times I would be asked why I wasn't writing anymore...and I had no answer but just simply that I am tired!
I imagine anyone who is raising a child with "High Functioning Autism" would understand! Sometimes you are just through talking about it all, because there is nothing that is going to change it,  fix it or make it better!
That being said, maybe somewhere along the way blogging gave me a bit of an outlet. Perhaps hope that someone out there was reading my thoughts and relating to them, and finding comfort knowing they aren't the only one...or who thought, hey my child is exactly like that...perhaps??? And looks for some guidance and help for their child.

So here I am blogging again, I will provide updates and experience regarding my son and our struggles with dealing and living with Aspergers! I know there are great days and not so great days so I will share them as I can!

I will also start blogging about my daughters journey, recently diagnosed with ADHD. I will start a new entry to talk about her journey to diagnosis...but that will be another night as I am tired and need to get sleep!!!

Goodnight and we'll chat again soon!

Why say Sorry?

Today I struggled with this very thing, to say Sorry. But it wasn't my personal struggle it was my son's. Saying sorry is so hard for him, not only does it require social interaction, but it means he must understand that he is wrong, and that he has hurt someone's feelings or even physically hurt them.

Lots of Asperger's kids have a very hard time with apologies. They won’t apologize unless they feel genuine remorse — and because they often don’t understand others or pick up on the feelings of others, they never do feel true remorse.

 I recently read a comment from an Aspie adult that said, "getting a child to understand remorse or to say and apology with sincerity would be nice, but if he shows the proper actions and makes amends, does it really matter if he did it from remorse or because he logically knows it’s the appropriate thing to do."

So should I really get upset when Ben refuses to apologize? Should I spend hours trying to tell him how remorseful he should be? Or teach him the right facial pulls to make when apologizing to make it appear that he is remorseful?

He never feels he is wrong, even when he has hurt someone it's not his fault but theirs for getting in his way. He always feels justified for hurtful things he says. Doesn't think his comments are hurtful, he is just telling the facts.

Big sigh.....so LOGICALLY the appropriate thing to do is to apologize. I will need to work on this with him.

Today he needed apologize two times, the first time because he kicked a girl during a game they were playing. It was part of the game, he didn't do it vengefully, but playfully. He just got carried away. Logically he felt he did nothing wrong. He refused to say sorry, in fact it took him "sleeping on it" and a threat of grounding for him to write an apology. He wrote it instead of a face to face.
Secondly, he impulsively jumped off a play set without looking and landed on the head of our neighbor who wasn't looking out and walked in the way. Ben said sorry initially, but when asked later to go check on his friend to make sure he was ok, and to apologize again, he didn't see the point and refused to go. He said he" already said sorry twice today, and wouldn't do it again," and blamed him "for not looking out, he got in the way so it was not my fault."

Emotionally Ben didn't connect in both cases, it was only logic that made him and prevented him in saying sorry because it was the right thing to do.

Asperger's Syndrome

Anyone who knows our family knows about our journey with our son Benjamin.  If you read some of my past blog entries you can get a feel for the journey we have taken over the past 10 years in getting him properly diagnosed.

To those that have a child with Asperger's Syndrome, they know that it's on the Autism Spectrum. It a high functioning disorder that effects a child's social behavior the most. But in it's early stages it presents itself as behavioral and leaves even the professionals not knowing what could possibly be wrong with your child. There are no medical tests that can be performed, just questionnaire's, social and academic testing and observances that is used to determine if a child is on the spectrum. So when a child is very young these test cannot be preformed, and so you will likely be told a variety of different things to explain your child's behavior.  At first your doctor will just brush it off as the terrible twos, perhaps blaming teething or other environmental reason for your child's unsettled behavior, he is healthy and making all the milestones a child needs to make, so there is no need to worry, just a phase they will out grow.

 Once your child starts school and they do not want to participate in group discussions or activities, or cannot seem to pay attention to subjects that do not interest them. They will be called lazy, or even disruptive, doesn't take direction well. They will get in trouble for refusing to stay in line, or wait their turn. Cannot play well with others, prefers to be alone, over reacts when doesn't get his way.
This begins the phase when your child is called ADD or ADHD or ODD.  With this period there are decisions to be made that very hard. You will be strongly encouraged to seek medical help, and also referred to services in the area that can help you cope with the stress of raising a child with high needs. We were strongly encouraged to medicate our child by the school system. At this point we were in grade 1, and Ben was causing such disruption in class that I was being called on a weekly sometime daily basis, to come to the school to help calm him down or to just bring him home.  He was enrolled in all school programs to help children with high needs. STEPS was one that teaches children to make well thought out decisions when dealing with conflict among peers, and how to play with others and how to use your words not hands.  He was also included in a morning group the school called the SUPER HEROS group, where the children where given a chance to calm down in a quiet setting with other students by talking about how they were feeling or the goings on of the morning. This was done before students continued on with the day in their regular classrooms with hopes of giving the children time and space to calm. All these efforts proved to help little in his behavior. 
During this stage we also saw him dwelling on topics of interests for an extended period of time, and asking lots of questions about that topic.  We had the school physiologist visit Ben weekly because there were concerns of his obsessions regarding death, as his grandmother had passed away and as this was a new experience for him, he thought about it a lot.

We also had the local child services group involved, we had a weekly visit by a case worker that would come into our home to provide support to Ben and myself. Giving me tips on how to deal with his outburst of frustration and anger. The psychologist from this facility also interviewed Ben, and determined in her opinion that he was dealing with  Depression. She felt that he struggled with low self esteem but that this would likely pass as he grew up.

We felt our life was spinning out of control. Not knowing what to do next, and having exhausted all avenues of help and support. We decided to try medication, hoping for some relief from his outbursts and unreasonable behavior.  The school also said that they would not be responsible for the quality of his education should we choose not to medicate, as we were not bringing our child to school in a state that was open to learning. I felt that was a unfair statement to make, however I thought long and hard and understood the root of that  statement, I knew that it was true.  So this began our long and continuing medication trial and error process. And to be honest of all the medications he has tried and we have had to stop because of side effects, the only one he has been on that has helped with little side effects is STRATTERA. It has provided the relief we needed from the outrageous behaviors that would cause such stress on the family. It calmed him, and he became more manageable. And allowed him to be able to function at school with fewer disruptions. However, that being said, we still saw other behaviors now surface that we could not see before because of the behavioral problems.

As a mother you know your child, and I knew that there was always a missing piece to the puzzle when it came to Ben.  He exhibited behaviors that could not be explained by the ADHD diagnoses. He was obsessive, explosive, avoided groups, had sensitivities to specific clothing items, food items and how they were cooked, and excelled in technology.

Examples of these behaviors starting from 10 months...He would cry explosively as a baby for no reason and nothing would sooth him, he would throw his body into furniture or the wall, he was obsessed with his ties and rubber balls and had to wear and hold them at all times.  He excelled at video games and always has.  He avoids groups and always was reported to be playing alone at school, and if he did play with others there were always problems.  There has always been a concern in how he speaks to adults, he doesn't look at adults in the eye. He takes all that is said very literal, and rarely laughs at jokes. He controls all situations to the way he feels comfortable or he will not participate. He shows sensory sensitivities with socks...if they don't "feel" right he will not wear them. If his mattress isn't "feeling right" he will change beds or even sleep on the floor if that is what feels right to him.  He avoids situations when there is a boy that he isn't familiar with.  He also has no fear or thought out plans when he plays, he often does things that are dangerous and impulsive, all because he feels like it, so he does it. He also shows a lot of anxiety that comes out in the form of ticks. The source of this is unknown.

So with all this evidence and more, I sought out a new pediatrician, was then referred to another psychologist  and finally I received the diagnoses we had been needing. It explains so much about Ben. It will never change who he is, nor is there a cure for it. But it has led to better understanding, and has opened up a whole new avenue of help from the school and social system. We receive funding from the government under a disability tax credit and monthly allowance, and we also have a new Occupational Therapist that will be working with Ben for up to a year through the school!.

So in writing this long post I hope that it might help someone out there that is starting out this same journey. Knowing that you are not alone in this, somehow helps. Above all I encourage all parents that have a high needs child, to advocate for your child because they cannot for themselves. If you do not they will never get the help they need.  Above all recognize that your child has a disability, its hard to do, but once you accept this the sooner they can get the needed help. Telling yourself that he or she is just a little bit eccentric or making excuses for their odd behavior isn't helping your child.  I found this the hardest thing to do. But once you do, it really makes such a difference in how you feel about yourself, and your child.

Secret Indulgences

Shocking isn't it?  I know, I know....but I do have a few.  I do love my Bachelor/Bachelorette! I look forward to each season, seeing all the contestants coming on this show to find love. What I love more then anything is laughing and giggling with the group of girls that meet each week to enjoy it as well!  When I watch it alone, its not quit the same. To some it may seem like a flakey show, with no substance....and I guess that's what I like about it. Its really a fun show,  that shows the way people interact in absurd  circumstances. I have to admit as well that part of the fun is making fun of some of the characters that attempt this show, but also connecting with the ones that truly fall in love on the show and get their heart broken. I've teared up more then once, and find myself getting extremely excited for the proposal.  It's so silly isn't it? But that's ok.   
My next secret indulgence is a Soap I've watched for years, General Hospital.  It too is a show that is ridiculous. The story lines are so funny, just repeating them sometimes makes me laugh so hard. Day after day I watch to see what trouble Carly has gotten into, or what mob war is being fought by Sonny. In recent months it has been a little hard to follow as there are a few new characters being introduced, and old characters leaving, story lines seem to be spinning out of control, regardless I am a fan of the show and will hang in there!  I've heard rumours of it ending, I truly hope it's not true. I look forward to the brainless downtime each night as I tune my PVR to my recording. I'm not sure what I would do...LOL...just joking...hahahaha as much of a fan I am of the show I am not obsessed to the point that my life would be over. I would just feel a little hole until some other mindless show came along.
Let's see is there any other indulges I can write about that make me happy....I really do love watching all kinds of reality TV...Survivor, Big Brother, American Idol, Amazing Race, So You Think you Can Dance, Dancing with the Stars......oh the list goes on...
I guess in reflection TV in general really is my Vice. I watch a lot of it, especially in the evening hours. It's quiet and I get to relax. During the day I am constantly running around taking care of everyone else's needs, once they are all in bed it's me time.

So tonight, I wanted to show my gratitude for my secret indulgences.

Super Moon

It's glaring down on me right now through my front window as I write, the Super Moon. It's so beautiful in the dark black sky. Tonight there isn't even a cloud, just the brightness of the moon lighting up the night. The beauty of creation, there are no words to describe the awe and reverence you feel when you look at the glory of it.

It really makes you think about life, when you see the stillness of the night sky, the beauty of creation. It puts things into perspective almost as much as a slap in the face.  We are cared for so much by our heavenly Father. Though we struggle to get through each day, he sustains us. He gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

I look back over the past few days, and I feel so blessed to have had some time to breath. I feel like I can start again, just like the fullness of the moon.

However I know, as sure as the moon begins another cycle, I will have days ahead that feel just like the moon in its different stages, from full, to half and even down to a sliver barely holding it's place in the sky, and me to sanity. This is something I have come to expect, the different phases of raising a young family.  The hard part is remembering that when things are at their worst, and I am feeling like I am holding on by a sliver, that there is relief around the corner. It may not be as glorious as the Super Moon in the sky tonight. But it will surely come, in some way. Tonight it comes in this moment of reflection, preparing myself for the next few days, maybe weeks ahead.

I will continue to follow this cycle until I am standing,  looking up at the nights sky with my children feeling as glorious as this Super Moon in the fullness of perfection, that will never come to an end!

Livin on a Prayer!

This is just a quick note tonight as I am just heading to bed at 1:33 am, and realized that I hadn't written today. 
I wanted to say how nice it is when our neighbours take turns with me entertaining the children in the area! 
Olivia spent the afternoon across the street with a girl and some other friends around their backyard pool! She had a great time, and it game me a break!

Ben and Isaac spent some time with Trisha for a few hours so I could get a bit of shopping done. It was so nice not to have any children with me for a few hours! I was able to find a few nice things for myself.

Once I got home from shopping Ben went with our neighbour swimming in Dorchester at the public outdoor pool.

As I have written lately, our relationship with our neighbors isn't always that great, so when things are going well it's a relief! It's so nice to get a break for even just a short time, it makes a big difference in the day!

So tonight I celebrate me time! I don't get it often but this week seems to be offering me a chance to take it, so I will!

Tomorrow I will be heading to Detroit with Jeremy to see Bon Jovi! I am very excited as I have been a fan for a long time! Especially in the 80's. I hope he plays a few of his classics, but either way, it should be a great time!  We are even staying overnight and getting in some shopping the next day as well, before we head back home. 
So I may not have a chance to write a blog tomorrow night, but will certainly have lots to say Friday night when we get back!

Sunny Days

I haven't written then past few days, I've been to exhausted mentally to write a post....but here I am back to have a moment of gratitude for the blessings in  my life. I have to admit, tonight I'm not in the greatest of moods to have this moment, as it's been a bad evening. My moods been much like a roller coaster this week, and with that comes a low tolerance for the annoyances that come with raising "active" children.
But really when I put things into perspective I realize that we have had a busy few days together. I really think its just exhaustion that is creeping its way into the atmosphere of the "evening hour," that glorious hour when the kids seem to come alive and become extremely hard to manage.

Our past few days have been action packed, with temperatures reaching a blistering 30 degrees Celsius with a humidex reading of nearly 40, we found our way to a public swimming pool in Tillsonburg, called Lake Lisgar Water Park. It has a big water slide, wading pool area with splash pad features, and large blow up equipment for the children to climb on. With lots of sunscreen on we splashed away the afternoon!

 
After this we had some free movie passes, so we headed over to Woodstock theatres to see Monsters University!  The kids loved it and I actually did to!

The following day we made our way up to our favorite beach, Port Burwell! My Mom and Dad and sister Trisha are camping there at the provincial park. It's so beautiful there...I can't wait until I can enjoy spending more time there camping as a family...for now I am just able to handle day trips.
We had some great fun in sun down on the beach and came home with to much sun on our cheeks and shoulders. But it was worth every second. The kids love the water, and playing in the sand.

Today we stayed at home, I stayed in bed as long as humanly possible with 3 kids running around the house, I was so exhausted. I had cleaned the night before for my parents. They take care of the floors at the local grocers. So after a long day at the beach, I swung a mop for a few hours. Didn't get home to put my feet up till after midnight. I am happy to help though so they can have a few days of rest and relaxation!
After I got up and fed everyone a late breakfast/early lunch I brought the kids to the community swim here in town. It was lovely. Wasn't to many kids there, and because it was indoors I didn't have to lather them in sunscreen. Perfect! A major inconvenience of summer if you ask me...

So I guess we have had some pretty fun days together, with only a few months of Summer we need to take in as much as we can!  The children however do suffer from a lack of sleep, staying up past their bedtime of 8:00 really takes a toll on them, as a result children were very unsettled tonight. This is why I started this post negatively, being  physically tired, and then mentally and emotionally exhausted, this can be to much for me to handle. This leads me to feeling negatively and thus makes seeing the silver lining hard to see, but looking over the past few days I have a lot to be thankful for. Writing it down reminds me that this moment of feeling like the world is crashing in on me is just a moment, and that the bigger picture is bright and beautiful!

Put a Sock in it!

Today was another good day! Nothing eventful happened, so I am very grateful for this! I was able to get some overdue painting done, and even got to watch a movie of my choice today on Netfilx! The children played outside most of the day, and everyone got along! Not even one fight! Again I recognize this as something to celebrate!
This evening I got my hair done, and came home and had a Blizzard with Jeremy.  Oh dear....this needs to stop!  Summer is so hard for me to keep weight off!  I tend to eat when I am stressed. Summer is very stressful for me.  I also do not get to go out walking like I do when the kids are in school. This is starting to get to me, as I can feel it starting to creep back up.  Note to self...stop eating.
I did want to share a funny story about Ben that happened earlier in the week. It really demonstrates the way a Sensory Disorder works.
Ben has always been sensitive when it comes to his feet. He is specific when it comes to the kind of socks he wears. If they are too loose or too tight or the cotton isn't soft enough he won't wear them. So we found a brand of socks he likes from Walmart, and he always wears them without problem. I even send him an emergency pair with him to school in the event he has a problem at school and needs to change his socks.
Well the other day we were getting ready to go for a nice walk, and even a visit to the corner store for a treat.  We were all ready to go and I hear Ben crying uncontrollably in his room. I go upstairs to find out what is wrong. He can't find a pair of socks that "feel" right.  He says "my socks are attacking me".  I point out that these are the same socks he wears everyday...he insists that he needs new socks as they are just not right and are to sharp and not soft enough.  I suggest several pair, and none are good enough.  I suggest wearing flip flops, but he refused. 
So we didn't go anywhere that day as a result of this, which didn't go over well with Olivia and Isaac.
Later that evening we had plans to go out, so I gave Ben a heads up that we were going to have to find some socks for him to wear. We started with a pair I had given him earlier that day when he was upset, and told him these were the newest of all his socks.  It was so funny, he took them from me, smelt them, rubbed them on his cheek and then pronounced "Yup, that's good cotton!" and put them on.
I am not sure what made the difference from the morning to the evening. But it shows that if it doesn't feel right to a child with Sensory Issues, believe them. The child is not making it up. Our pediatrician said that for the majority of people it is a minor annoyance when something doesn't fit quite right or a tag is scratching us, but to a person with Sensory Disorder it's like wearing sand paper on your feet and being forced to keep them on all day.  Unimaginably distracting, and annoying, and even painful.
So this is something that I have to remind myself of, every time Ben has a reaction that is hard to explain or doesn't make sense.  He can't help the way he is feeling, nor can explain it...he just knows it's not right. Finding the patience and the flexibility to deal with it, is the hard part.

I am grateful however that we finally know why this happens, and we are learning to cope.

Won't You Be My Neighbour?

Today was a good day! I am taking time to recognize this before I write my post for the day! The weather was good, and the kids got to play outside. It really makes such a difference on all our moods with fresh air coming in the windows, and the summer sun shining down on our faces! Even my cat was running from window to window taking in the breeze and watching all the birds flying by playfully!

With the good weather comes kids playing in the streets and in each others backyards and each others houses. I enjoy listening to them play, hearing their laughter and watching their imaginations bloom!
But with the good does come the bad, and without fail there is going to be tears, as they all need to get used to each other again after the snows melts, and they emerge from the winter months.

Last week we had our first of what I am sure will be many fights with the neighborhood children, that spilled over to the parents. A fun game of tag turned into a dare game... the girls...vs boys, and that the girls would do what the boys said and then in the return. 

Of coarse at the heart of the problem....my Benjamin. The girls were told that they would be kissing the boys if they got tagged....Ben however felt that one of the girls was told  that he was in love with her....he freaked out and told the boy who said it to take it back or he would tell a hurtful secret that he knew about him...the boy refused and ran in the house.

Sure enough as has happened before, I receive a call from the Father's boy, saying the Benjamin threatened with "Blackmail" if his child didn't do what he wanted, and that this kind of "regime" was unacceptable. In shock of what Ben was being accused of, I simply said I would talk to Ben about it and would certainly ensure he new it was not ok to threaten anyone.

After I got off the phone however, I was not a happy Momma Bear!  I tried to control my feeling of outrage and hurt, but I just couldn't and felt that our neighbor had crossed the line.  In fact his son was the one that was in the wrong and that my child with AUTISM was doing the only thing he and ANY child would do after being embarrassed in front of a girl and other peers.  So I marched over to his house...and although I was emotional, I asked to speak with him.
I expressed how I felt, that after 4 years of getting to know our family and our child, I would hope he would know how hurtful calling Ben a blackmailer and a regime ruler would be.  That he being a 10 year old boy with a social disorder, would not have the careful planning ability to blackmail,..nor would he even know what that was...ridiculous. If anything he was reacting to the situation his child created.
We talked things over and agreed that at times we as parents over react, and that we need to ensure we maintain a good relationship with open communication. After all, this isn't the first nor will it be the last time our children will say or do something inappropriate, as they are children.  I am so tired of reminding adults of this.

So Mr. Rogers neighbourhood? Not even close.

Daily Struggles

I am going to try and write each day this summer, even if they are short posts. But I want to try and remember all that I've done and accomplished, even the little things. I guess this will perhaps become a gratitude journal??? I have trouble seeing the forest through the trees at times, so perhaps writing each day might help me "celebrate" each day we get through.
But I am not going to sugar coat anything, because sometime what happens in the coarse of the day isn't always worth celebrating, but maybe if I write about it I can perhaps work through it better.

So yesterday was July 10, and my baby of the family Isaac was 6 years old! I can't believe it! He is getting so big, even if he still sucks his thumb! I really would like to see him stop this habit, but at the same time, as he is my baby I find myself reluctant to begin weaning him off. This is the last thing that still makes him not just my youngest but my "baby'! Selfish? maybe...but just a little bit longer won't hurt? He is such a sweet boy too, a beautiful caring personality. He is a refreshing change, as I don't find him at all needy or high maintenance. He is perfectly happy just playing by himself with his cars, and rarely complains unless his siblings are bothering him.
I love this little boy, and can't wait to see the man that he grows to be!

I of coarse can't get through a day without incident. I really don't know what was the cause of this outburst, but often that's the case. When it comes to Benjamin, it's often unknown what the cause of his anxiety is, but when it's sensory based that is often the way it is.
So here it goes...
The kids are starting to settle into summer holidays, and are starting to get on each others nerves. Fighting is a daily staple here. I often try and stay out of it, as I believe kids need to learn to work things out themselves. But often it escalates to "hands on" behavior, and that's when I need to step in.

Ben started hitting Olivia in the head with Pillows from the sofa, possibly to fulfill a sensory need, but also possible just to annoy his sister. She asked him several times to stop and he wasn't hearing her or reading her behavior to understand to stop. She started to cry and came and got me.  When I talked to him about it, I approached him calmly...I asked him why he didn't stop, and he said he didn't know it was bothering her.  I tried to tell him that when someone starts crying and tells him to stop he must respect that.  He suddenly became very angry and kicked my cupboard with enough force I am surprised he didn't break it. I raised my voice, and told him that he can't be kicking my cupboards, then he crumbled his snack he was holding all over the floor, while staring at me with a taunting glare.  It's so hard to keep composed and not over react, harder then anything....so with this in mind I told him to go to his room to take some time to calm down.   He refused....I asked again...he refused....I told him to go to his room, or he would have his iPod taken away.  That sent him screaming up the stairs, then he fell to the floor in dramatic fashion in the bathroom. He screamed hurtful obscenities at me more horrible then ever before.......this really is the point of no return, I am cooked no matter what I do....I wish a therapist could live with me to see this unfold, tell me the best thing to do....this behavior is not ok....I grabbed him by the arm and ended up physically dragging him to his room...which is not easy as the kid is 90 pounds of dead weight....I told him to take some time to think about what he just said, I wanted him to pray about it and when he was ready to calmly talk to me and apologize to each member of his family he could come out.....He screamed and broke a toy of his brothers over a period of about 20 minutes.
Then he came out, completely calm and reasonable.....like it was nothing. He listened to me explain to him that it's not ok to use bad language, and we really need to work on that problem together. I explained to him that he would have to clean up the mess he made in the kitchen and would be apologizing to his sister and brother and most of all me.  He complied.

Silver lining? I gained a small victory in that he was able to calm himself down. He did what was asked of him, even though it took some time to get there, he did it.

After this we went to Woodstock to see a movie with my sister Trisha and her kids. This really lifted everyone's mood, and gave us a bit of a relief.

I did notice though that overall Ben was just not having a very good day, struggled a lot controlling his emotions and understanding social queues. He had other incidents throughout the day that included not knowing that he needs to stop and ensure someone is ok after hurting them, and also having another melt down when he felt he was being accused of something he thought he didn't do.

These are areas regarding social behavior that we need to work on with his Occupational Therapist that has been assigned to him through the school, once September comes.

So another day passes, I will put this one to bed...learn from today's failures and rejoice in the small victories.

Puzzled?

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I posted anything on my blog. My intentions have been to keep this blog up to date so that I can look back over time and see how my family and I have changed and grown and developed together.  Unfortunately that hasn't been the case this last year.. Not to say I haven't had lots to write about, with amusing stories that will make you laugh out loud till your side hurts, to stories that would make your heart break. Raising a young family has it's moments, but especially when you have a disabled child. He adds a dynamic to this family that compares to none!

Last I wrote Benjamin had been receiving treatment for ADHD, ODD and OCD. With such came medication, but little overall improvement to many other behaviors that just didn't fit with what the pediatrician was telling me was happening with our child.  It was like there was a missing puzzle piece that didn't quite fit.  This led to much frustration here at home and at school.

So after finding a new pediatrician, who sent us to a physiatrist, we received an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, this is on the spectrum of Autism. This was September of 2012! I am so relieved to finally have a accurate diagnosis. It has led to Ben being understood in a whole new light. Now when he acts out, or doesn't react the way that you would expect, or simply says something that seems unacceptable to others sense of social behavior....rather then being judged as a bad child there is patience and understanding and more acceptance.

That's not to say that we don't still have our challenges, and days that I cry myself through it, because I do. I have them a lot. I feel guilt still, and feel like I am not doing enough.  But at the end of the day I do feel a bit more hopeful, a bit more settled knowing that we have finally found that puzzle piece and we are seeing a better picture of what our family looks like with Autism.

Teacher's Letter to Doctor

I am Ben's Classroom Teacher, and I am writing this letter to you at the request of Ben's mother, Janine. Ben is a grade three student at "...." School. There are 19 students in his class.

At the beginning of the school year, Ben experienced a great deal of difficulty transitioning into grade three. He exhibited oppositional behaviors quite early in September. Ben required cues and redirection for tone of voice, refusal to work, talking back, and put downs to others. He connected with another student, and both were extremely disruptive to the learning environment of the other students.

Ben often blurts out silly, rude, and inappropriate comments intended to make the students laugh or make someone feel badly or uncomfortable. Cues, redirection and discussions about his behaviors, shows little to no emotion during these times, and does not accept responsibility for his actions.

Ben's interaction with teachers outside of the classroom has been quite challenging. Ben doesn't always respond to adults when they are speaking with him. Many times he refuses to answer them and avoids eye contact (ignores them). Quite often, Ben does not follow the rules of the classroom. He is quiet and sneaky about his defiance. Instead of asking for permission, Ben usually does what he wants to do when he thinks you're not watching him. Other times, he outwardly defies adults, choosing to ignore them when his behavior is addressed. Many times, Ben repeats the same inappropriate behavior over and over.

Ben experiences a great deal of difficulty when working with other students (partners, or groups). At times, he is silly, off task and disruptive. Ben also wants to have things done his way. If this doesn't happen, he usually leaves and sits at his desk, or asks to work by himself. Ben is quite rigid in his thinking, and unresponsive to problem-solving strategies which are modelled and suggested to him.

During recess, he was observed to walk around, not playing with the other students. Ben didn't like going outside during the winter months, and often stayed in to play with a few other classmates. He has been going outside with the other students since the nicer weather.

When playing with toys during Indoor Recess, Activity Time, or Free Time, Ben leaves if the students won't play his way, or if he can't "control" the situation. He often plays the same activity each recess (sets up 200 domino's in a snake pattern and tips them over to watch them fall). Ben shows interest in limited topics and really focuses on those specific areas. (tunnel vision).

Ben's behavior fluctuates, and sometimes depends upon the tone of the classroom. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

Sincerely,
Julie
Grade 3 Teacher

In like a Lion

So this month of March hasn't exactly started out lamb like, but just as the saying goes in like a Lion! I am not referring to the weather...
It all started last month with a decision to take Ben off of Vyvanse, a decision that needed to be made due to side effects that we just couldn't bear to see our 8 year old live through.

I really was hopeful that this was going to be the drug that was going to work for Ben's ADHD, it had great promise being that it was a long lasting stimulant. It seemed to give him the focus he needed to be able to pay attention in class and stay out of trouble. He rarely bothered anyone, and was co operative when asked to perform tasks. We had great conversations, asking deep thoughtful questions about life and why things work the way the do. Our lunch time breaks from school together where very enjoyable as he actually listened and obeyed simple requests to turn off the TV, or computer to eat or leave to go back to school. He gave me few arguments and went to school with no complaints. It seemed to good to be true. Unfortunately it was.
After taking the medication for 2 months the initial concerns seemed to wear off, most of all his insomnia. The lack of appetite although still present, didn't seem to be causing any weight loss and he did eat small portioned meals but along with multi vitamins seemed acceptable by the doctor.
The effects of the medication seemed to be wearing off sooner in the evening as we started into the 3rd month of treatment.  After school became very difficult for Ben to contain his hyperactivity. He was unable or just plain refused to do homework, often claiming not to know how to do the required tasks. He became very angry, picking up on any excuse to start a fight with his younger siblings. Then his anger and adjutaion turned into uncontrolled laughing and giggling, being loud and obnoxious, rude and belligerent.
At this point the school was also starting to see Oppositional behaviors starting to emerge once again. Refusal to complete tasks, unwilling to join in group activities, but still observing improved ability to complete assigned tasks and not getting caught up in the antics of others children.
I met with Ben's teacher around this time, and unfortunately we must have both been at our breaking points that day, because the meeting did not go well. We both lost our "cool" heads and said things that we both regret in the moment. That being said, one thing she did say about Ben will never be forgotten. She said that he was a liar and a manipulator. This is very hard to hear from a person that is with your son on a daily basis, and is suppose to be supporting you in the journey to help him with his disorder.  At the time it hurt me as a mother deeply, as it exposed a problem that really showed how a child with these complex issues can be viewed by others. As liars and manipulators.......the fact is that Ben is a very intelligent child and I can concede to say that he may at times manipulate to get things his way...in fact I think he does that on a daily basis as he rarely doesn't get what he wants....but a liar he is not. He never perceives his actions to be wrong...he always perceives that he is justified and that everyone else is to blame....and if he ever does tell an untruth he will admit to it...but NEVER will he agree to something he feels he has not done or is being accused of...as he rarely feels he is wrong.
After this meeting with the teacher, which led to also meeting with the principle of the school I was able to have a minor adjustment to Ben's educational expectations.  He was no longer expected to complete and/or hand in homework assignments.  We will encourage him to focus on the "important" things at school, and only ask that he continues reading when at home. We also got paper work in line to have the school physiologist and social worker observe and work with Ben to help him with any "issues" they observe.  We then made a date to meet again as a co ordinated group to discuss any further plans for him.  I also let them know that I was meeting with the doctor to discuss adjusting medications due to the behavioral problems we were having.
I met with Ben's Pediatrician and we decided to add Strattera back into his daily dosing, as the Strattera seemed to work best from Ben's ODD, and the Vyvanse on his ADHD. So his dosage would be 20mg Strattera (10mg in morning and after school)  and 20mg Vyvanse in the morning, hoping the Strattera would provide support for after school behavior.
After this addition to his medication I was hoping for some improvements, unfortunately I don't recall there being much change to his agreeableness or co cooperativeness, in fact now that I look back on the past few months it may have been the combination of these two drugs that maybe caused the side effects that brought us to taking him off Vyvanse.....hmmm....it's funny how until you actually reflect and write out your thoughts that connections can be made....

This combination therapy began just before Christmas break and over the past 2 months Ben's "normal" handicaps started becoming very debilitating. He has always been a little OCD about certain issues, like what he will eat and how it's to be cooked or prepared. This became very exaggerated to the point that he ate next to nothing because it wasn't prepared to his liking...either it was burnt or undercooked, even though I cooked to exact timing to ensure it was to his "normal" requirements. He would go an entire day on nothing but a Yop and a granola bar. He also became extremely anxious about so many things...lots of big "what if" type questions, he was ultra sensitive to what he thought his classmates or others thought of him to the point that he insisted on wearing deodorant because he thought he was being avoided in class due to being smelly. He also began cracking his knuckles in a uncontrolled manner similar to a tick (again something that comes up in different forms when he is dealing with anxiety). These issues all became almost unmanageable, arguments ensued between us, and all out refusals to go to school, to eat or even get out of bed in the mornings. He also started becoming very paranoid, started hearing things and seeing things in his bedroom at night keeping him awake to all hours with his lights on.
Near the end of February Ben didn't get out of bed on a Saturday morning till about 10:00am, knowing he had a poor sleep the night before I didn't question it. He finally came downstairs and almost immediately started causing problems with his brother and sister. He continued being unmanageable to the point where he needed to be given "time and space" to settle down and was sent to is room to give him this opportunity. Within a few minutes he began screaming at the top of his lungs, I ran to his room meeting him half way in the hallway. He was visibly shaken, white as a sheet and crying uncontrollably....he was unable to tell me what had happened until much later in the day. He began to describe a feeling that something was emerging from beneath the bed and was about to come out from under the blanket with a loud rushing noise, when he screamed he said it stopped and wasn't able to see what it was. He also told me how early that morning he didn't get out of bed because he was being held in bed by a skeleton and he was to scared to scream for help. Not knowing what was happening to him, I assured him that he was just dreaming and imagining things, not to worry. Later that night he was scared to go into his room for bedtime. I brought him into my bed and layed with him.  I could hear his anxiety, his breathing was quick and shallow and his eyes were as big as saucers. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he was seeing a snake with razor sharp teeth coming out of the ceiling at him. I held him in my arms and told him not to worry that Mommy was there and nothing was going to hurt him. I assured him that his mind was just imagining things and that he was going to be ok.  I repeated this several times before he was calmer, and it took hours and a Gravol to get him to close his eyes and fall asleep.
It was decided then that Vyvanse was the cause of these hallucinations, and he would no longer be taking this medication.  I continued the Strattera at same dosage.
I met with the doctor the following Monday, and he supported my decision to stop Vyvanse and would have done the same. We decided that we would monitor Ben's behavior and see if he is managable without trying anything new, but to continue Staterra.

So March has started rough, hoping that is will end more lamb like.

Daddy

I wanted to dedicate this post to my Dad. He is currently in the hospital recovering from Valve Replacement Surgery to his Heart, and is not recovering as quickly as expected. He has been in ICU for nearly a week now, when other patients would be on their way home by this time in their recovery process. Unfortunately Dad has developed several Pulmonary Embili, so has had to be put on blood thinners fearing additional clots traveling that could lodge in his heart. We are also hoping and praying that he doesn't begin to have internal bleeding, as both conditions could be fatal.

It's times like this that has you reflecting on the wonderful man that he is, and how empty our life would be without him.  He truly has been a wonderful Father, that would do anything for his Family.
I would like to jump up in his bed and snuggle down with him like I used to as a child, I remember the sound of his heart beating when I would lay my head on his chest watching tv, with his big arm draped around me. But with so many machines he has hooked up to him, I can barely get near to kiss his forehead and hold his hand.

It seems like yesterday that he was dancing with me at my wedding, holding my hand through the pains of labor, and being one of  the firsts to hold my babies.

I know that Dad will pull through and will be ok, it's just so hard to see him like this.  I love him so much, and I know that he loves us as well. When he was just coming out of anesthetic and barely able to speak, he was able to muster up the ability to tell us all he loved us.

He is one amazing Dad.   Butterfly Kisses

Perfect

So here is another piece of writing that I've been working on. I hope it helps those who read it understand what it's like to have a child with emotional disabilities.Unfortunately many fail to look at Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Oppositional Defiance Disorder as disabilities, but rather something that can be handled by discipline and a change in diet. Please if you read this blog, also read my previous poem called "The Monster Inside" as this Disability is as real as any other.

Perfect

His first breath, first cry, first glance up into my eyes,

His first suckle, his first cuddle, these are the bonds that ties,

His ten little fingers, and ten little toes,

Cute little button nose.

How I love each part of you,

I stare at you day one day two,

Perfect in all that you do.

The first little giggle,

Rolling over with a wiggle,

Soon you will crawl,

I think I am going to bawl,

Is that your first tooth?

He’s been so hard to sooth.

Please don’t cry,

Mommy’s going to try.

To be perfect in all I do,

When it comes to raising you.

His first words, his first steps,

His first fall, when running down the hall.

He’s so upset, I cannot stop the tears,

Is he frustrated, upset or is this because of fears?

I try to help, make things right,

But now he’s trying to bite.

I try to keep him safe from harm,

Don’t want him to break an arm,

While he throws his little body into the walls,

Drags his forehead while he crawls,

Is this normal, is this right?

It’s just his personality, he’s alright.

You’re my perfect little man,

You’ll grow out of this I know you can!

The doctor says no problems, nothing’s wrong,

Like other’s his age, he’s growing up strong.

Children are all different, develop in their own way.

Don’t worry everything will be okay.

I remember those words and think of them every day,

But deep inside I wonder,

Keeping notes and I ponder,

That I may need to prepare,

For challenges to beware.

He sleeps through the night,

He always has until it’s light,

He wakes and demands to wear all his ties,

One will not do, or he gets tears in his eyes.

Then we must find him his rubber balls,

Look everywhere, put out the calls,

One in each hand, never will he part

Or he will cry like I’ve broken his heart.

Don’t worry son, I will take care,

To keep a good supply, as rubber balls aren’t rare!

I think to myself, this may be odd,

But he’s still perfect even though a little flawed!

As days turns into months and then to years,

There seems to be more anger and fears,

Temper tantrums turned to rage,

Not like other boys his age.

Needing things a certain way,

Especially when and how to play.

What he’ll eat and how it’s prepared,

It must be perfect, nothing can be compared.

He’s so impulsive, fearless and untamed,

Always feels he’s free from being blamed.

I’m being told he isn’t right,

Even though he is quite bright!

Is this just behavioral or something more?

Is my parenting very poor?

What should I do, where should I go?

How can this be?

Why did this happen to me?

Could my child have special needs?

I’ve done the research, and yes indeed,

He has something called ADHD, struggles with ODD.

The doctors access and they’ve agreed,

Perfect I say, now let’s start a plan

I promised him I would do all I can.

To give him every chance in life,

To live his days with little strife.

I am so proud of my little man,

He is so brave, I am his biggest fan.

How I love each part of you,

PERFECT in all you do!

I Do Not Know

So here I sit, another sleepless night. The kids are tucked in sleeping, and the sounds of my husband's snoring fills the air. Most nights I look back on the day and although I feel relief that the day is over, I feel somewhat assured that I have done a good job, and that all my efforts have not been in vain....but tonight I can't say this.
I feel so overwhelmed with confusion, I feel such a responsibility for the way my children turn out that I  wounder if I am steering them wrong.  All that they do lately is fight and yell and scream and cry. My efforts to regain the peace between them usually ends up in more fighting, yelling, screaming and crying, but usually involves one more person...me!  I don't know what I am doing wrong..my day is spent trying to keep the peace and keeping everyone happy. Lately it seems like it's having the opposite effect.
The stress of everyday life is getting to us all, but mostly Jeremy.  He has been working long stressful days to provide for us and to allow me to be a stay at home mom, I really admire and appreciate his dedication to his family. So when he comes home from work I want it to be a peaceful, relaxing evening for him, but instead it usually is the opposite. When he finds more comfort alone in our bedroom with the door closed rather then with us it makes me feel like a failure.

What more can I do? I do not know...How much more can I give?....I do not know....Can I do better???...I do not know....but tomorrow is another day, and I will try again, and again, and again cause that is what a Mother does....